Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death.
After the death of a pet, one of the most common – and also most painful – feelings is guilt. When a beloved pet dies, it is so easy to get overwhelmed by guilt and regrets.
- There are so many things we wish we had done differently, and
- We feel guilty about all the things we didn’t do but should have done.
Guilt is a difficult emotion to deal with, because it involves actions that cannot be undone, so we often end up blaming ourselves for a long time about things we have no way of changing.
What if you had never met?
If guilt is one of the big challenges for you after the death of your pet, then one thing that can be helpful for you is to ask yourself the question:
What if you and your pet had never met?
Take a few minutes now and think about what your pet’s life could have been like if you were not together. His or her life could have been far worse. You are probably thinking about all the ways you failed to provide a better life for your pet. This kind of thinking is effortless and pretty much automatic – and it doesn’t get you anywhere. Self-punishment only prolongs the guilt and grief and makes it hard to connect with and honor your pet now.
Lessons learned
The universe put you and your pet together, so try to take a step back and see the bigger picture so you can turn negative thoughts around. We all make mistakes, but the way for you to move forward and honor your beloved pet is to honestly look at all the things you could have done differently, and then decide to learn from those ‘mistakes’ and handle things differently next time.
While we are mourning the loss of our friend, others are rejoicing to meet him behind the veil.
Remember, you did the best you could in the situations you were in, and in many cases you know better now and would act differently if you found yourself in a similar situation again.
Let your pet be your teacher and honor him or her by learning from the life – the love and the challenges – you experienced together.
Your pet would want you to have a good life. Think back… wasn’t your pet communicating this to you when he or she was alive? Your pet was there for you and would not want you to suffer now.
Remember the love.
Exercise
Acknowledging and accepting that things happened as they did, and that you acted the way you did, is not an easy thing to do. It doesn’t mean that you have to approve of it – there is no judgment involved. It simply means that you face the facts about what happened and what you did. Just mentally telling yourself to accept it is not enough, especially when it involves the death of your animal companion. Taking time to acknowledge the grief and allow the grief and guilt to be there is an important step on the way for you to heal from pet loss.
Can you allow the feelings of grief to be there without judging or blaming yourself?
Take a little time every day to practice just being with whatever feelings you have. Be mindful and aware of what goes on inside you – your feelings, thoughts. Practice just watching what you feel and think – without judging.
Using meditation to handle guilt
Meditation can help you acknowledge and just be with your feelings and enable you to get peace of mind. Meditation is like an oasis in the desert, where you can take a rest from your challenges and worries in order to get refreshed.
And if you meditate daily – even if it’s just 10 minutes – then the peace of mind you achieve will little by little carry over into your daily life, making you better able to handle – and enjoy – your life.
You can for example use my Inner Peace Meditation.
I lost my adorable little Panda, my 9-year old furry little Pomeranian girl. She developed pyrometra and passed from the anesthesia prior to her emergency hysterectomy. The guilt that I feel is tremendous. I never knew that not having our furry children spaded and neutered could cause life-threatening illnesses later on. She seemed a little under the weather – conditions that she had experienced and then bounced back to her energetic, playful spirit so I thought they would pass this time as well. I feel horrible that I did not recognize how sick she really was. I miss her so very much and the special bond that we shared. The pain I feel from her sudden loss is unbearable and knowing that she may still be here had I taken her to the vet sooner is absolutely killing me. She deserved better and I’m having a very difficult time dealing with this…
I had to put down my 11 year old just this Monday. She had been battling a nasty viral infection which caused her to lose her appetite, thirst, and ability to eliminate. After a week of trying to get her to eat and drink (I had to force feed her), she was at risk of developing hepatic lipidosis. She wasn’t being her normal self. She was hiding and not responding to me or my affection and I just knew that it was time. The vet told me they could hospitalize her and give her a feeding tube but I just couldn’t go through with it. Now that she’s gone, I just feel overwhelmed by guilt even though friends and family say I did the right thing. I feel like I could have done more and maybe my decision was too soon. However, in the grand scheme of things, it was just too much of a risk. My cat’s life was priceless and not worth gambling for. That’s what my mind says but my heart feels so differently.
I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved cat. It was a very tough decision you had to make, and I do recognize the battle between heart and mind from my own experiences. I had to make a similar decision when my cat Pittiput was very ill. I hope you will find some comfort here on the website. Peace and blessings, Marianne.
We just lost our beloved Sam he was a three legged dog that we love so much, my heart is broken and can find anything to make feel better, he was so loving caring , funny ,companion friend , loyal but most of all he was the love of our lives , I will miss him everyday , he like to ride in our pick up truck ,,his pick up truck he will always bark right before getting to the park that was the sign that he love to go there ,Sam you always be in our hearts and will never forget you.
Love you Sam.
I just had to put my dog to sleep 3 days ago. He was far greater than what some would say is “just a dog”. He was my best friend, my most loyal companion, my teacher, and my little savior. He saved my life more times than I can count. The pain of his loss is heart-wrenching. I can barely breathe.
I just wanted to reach out to others who have gone through similar and who understand the great void his loss is in my life.
His name was Scooter. Thank you for listening.
Blessings,
Anne-Marie :)
Please accept my condolences for the loss of your beloved dog Scooter. The void you describe is also familiar to me, and as I read your message I was reminded of the powerful Charles Dickens quote: “And can it be that in a world so full and busy, the loss of one creature makes a void so wide and deep that nothing but the width and depth of eternity can fill it up!” (see it for instance here: https://healingpetloss.com/pet-loss-quote-gallery/). I wish you peace and healing in this difficult time.
Thank you Marianne. Bless you for saying that. Thank you for sharing that quote with me also. Your kindness and condolences I am ever grateful for.
Dear Anne-Marie
as the bond was that strong—you WILL see him again before too long.Your beloved Scooter will be back to see you. Peace and Love to you
Anne- Marie, I know how you are feeling,but as your love and bond with Scooter was so strong, he will sense that you need a comforting message and probably send you a sign that he is around you (as our loved ones often do ).It may help to write him a letter, telling him how you feel as their ‘spirit’ often responds to this form of communication.The important thing to remember though, is that they never forget how much we still love them. Peace and Love to you.
I have just lost my friend who I loved for 13yrs
I am totally heartbroken and I am missing her dearly.
I so wished things could have been different and she was still in my life….
I just lost my beloved hound dog, Erik, on October 15th. He was only 9.5 years old. I keep replaying the last month leading up to his unexpected death and wish I could undo what I see as leading up to his unexpected illness and untimely death. He had had numerous GI problems for a few years. He had been doing well on his probiotic, I/D low-fat dog food, and lowered doses of prednisone. A month before he passed away I discontinued using the probiotics that he had been on for two months because I thought the I/D dog food was enough. Two weeks later he developed poor bowel movements so I put him back on probiotics and increased his prednisone. I couldn’t get myself to use the Tylin because our other dog had had such a bad reaction to it. I didn’t think taking him to the vet was necessary because I had solved his GI problems before with the same regimen. I hadn’t taken into the account my mother’s absence on a trip and his separation anxiety. I kept my same weekday and weekend schedules which had me gone for 6-10 hour stretches. Only on the days I knew I was gone for longer than 10 hours did I set him up with being at the dog sitter. I can’t believe my sensitive little guy went so quickly. I thought he would be with me forever. Now that I lost him I look back at that last month and kick myself for not adjusting my life to fit his needs and for stopping his dietary supplements for no good reason. I can only hope my little Erik forgives me and waits for me on the Rainbow Bridge where I can meet with him again.
I know how you feel about Eriks digestive issues. My Hutch had the same problems, and I did almost the same exact thing you did. There is no real way to exactly measure the effectiveness of medication for digestive issues like these. Our pets cant tell us when they are in pain, or worried and its so hard to tell by behaviour and stools. Sounds like you really did your research and was very conscientious. I doubt anyone else could have done better, I think you did a great job and its obvious if you could have done more you would have. Erik knows you loved him, they know.
easter 2013 my LADY died…28 oct 13 and im crying my eyes out
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you can find some comfort on my website. Peace and blessings, Marianne
Thank you!
I just recently had my 17 year old dog pass away…it was her time, but so unexpected because she showed no signs of passing earlier that day. It left me feeling like I should have spent more time with her…
I loved her, but honestly didn’t realize just how important she was until she was gone…I feel like I took for granted the fact that she was still alive and kickin’ and missed the opportunity to reconnect before she passed.
It’s so hard to let go of those feelings…but you’re right; dwelling on the “what if” will get me nowhere! She had such a wonderful life full of people who loved her.