Healing Pet Loss: Reclaiming your happy memories

When you are grieving the loss of a beloved pet, at first your focus will be on what you’ve lost.

You’ll be overwhelmed by the pain of the loss, the grief and the guilt.

Even all the positive memories you have of your pet might drown in feelings of grief.

The happy memories can even be painful, because they remind you of something you have lost and will never get back again.

Memories of your pet

Memories are the source of many emotions: pleasant and unpleasant, depending on how you experienced and judged the event, or thoughts, connected with the memory.

We select which memories we want to focus on; the “good” or the “bad”. For instance, if you have lost a pet, instead of feeling good about all the fond memories you have of your pet, the grief connected with the loss makes you focus solely on the pain of the loss, the memory of the tragic sudden death or the memory of watching your beloved pet get weaker day by day because of old age or illness. Those images and memories of suffering tend to “stick” and can sometimes be difficult to let go of.

While we need to acknowledge the painful memories, our aim is to eventually be able to let go of the pain associated with them and in stead replace them with all the fond memories we have of our pet. So how do we do that?

The Now – all we ever have

A helpful reminder when your pet has died and you find the happy memories taken over by grief, is this:

All you ever have is the now; the present moment

The present moment is all you ever have, so even though you might be suffering with grief from the loss of your pet right now, and the happy memories you have of your pet may seem to be unavailable or dwarfed by the grief – they are still there – ready to be accessed by you anytime. And getting access to those happy memories can be a source of healing for you after pet loss. Resisting the present moment – in this case the grief after pet loss – can prolong the grief and make it harder to get through. Ironically, the way through the grief is to surrender, to let go of resistance and allow the grief you are experiencing to be there. For often it is not so much the grief itself that cripples us, it is our resistance to it.

The key to peace of mind

The key to peace of mind is to rest fully in the present moment – whatever that moment might contain. In that state of presence, you can choose a fond memory to focus on or to contemplate. Don’t get distracted by the mind telling you about grief, loss, pain, but simply acknowledge those feelings while letting the fond memory unfold in your mind and your body. Get as many details as you can. Contemplate a playful, or a quiet moment you had with your pet: What did you do? What did you feel at the time? Feel the love and the bond you had (and still have) with your pet.

Allow the feeling of grief to be there, but go in and consciously choose and contemplate a fond memory you have of your pet, and you will little by little learn and experience how the grief gets replaced by the love that never dies.

Action steps

If you want to try this exercise for yourself, here are the steps:

1. Sit comfortably in a chair or in a meditation pose.
2. Watch your thoughts and feelings as they come up by themselves – just see them and let them go. Don’t hang on to them. It’s important not to skip this step.
3. After a little while choose a happy memory you had with your pet. Experience it in as much detail as you can. If other, non-related thoughts or feelings interfere, gently let go of them and return to the memory you chose.
4. End the meditation by letting go of the happy memory you chose. Feel your body from the inside, experience the place where you are, while observing your surroundings.