Will the grief after pet loss ever go away?

As I was standing in the kitchen doing dishes this morning, my thoughts went for a moment to my beloved angel cat Kia, who died alone in an animal hospital in July 2012,  a little more than 3 years ago as I write this. Although I generally am at peace with the situation, and even connect with Kia in the afterlife (and therefore know she’s okay now), I still occasionally get painful moments when I think of her; feelings of guilt and regret over the way she died, and wishing I could do it all over and keep her by my side and let her pass in peace at home where she belonged.

Of course, you might say I couldn’t have known she was going to die then and there, but even though the vets said she was in no danger of dying, I knew in my heart she would be passing soon, and she had even told me that herself, but she did not say when. I just couldn’t make sense of the message I received from 3 vets that Kia was not dying and that they could find nothing wrong with her. The need for knowing – for getting confirmation or validation for what I knew in my heart was true, in this case ended with me agreeing to leave Kia overnight in an animal hospital for tests and possible treatment.

Oh how much I have learned in these past few years: to trust my heart and the messages I receive; and that sometimes when it comes to animals dying, the vets simply cannot tell what’s wrong – or cure our animal friend. I have high regards for vets, but the fact is, that in life there are so many things that are uncertain and so many questions we simply need to leave unanswered.

My mission is now to honor Kia by learning and growing as much as I can, so when it comes to my beloved animal friends, (as well as other areas in my life) I will make decisions from my heart; decisions I will not regret afterwards; decisions that will bring peace and harmony to my animal companions’ life and passing as well as to my own.

But back to the main question of this article: Will the grief ever end? Well, in a sense: no, not really. It will be less dominant in our lives, but at times it will come up again and the pain of the loss will take over the emotions for a while.

But if you notice, it is actually not all bad, for as the pain of the loss comes up – especially in cases where there was much guilt and regret – there is at the same time mixed in with the grief, an overwhelming feeling of love. Oftentimes, the pain and the love are difficult to separate as they go hand in hand.

It means we are alive. It means we have allowed ourselves to open our heart to another living being and let ourselves be vulnerable. What a gift – to let someone else into our heart – and to know we are being allowed into theirs.

Knowing this, I wouldn’t want to suppress or deny the pain, for I certainly don’t want to ‘numb out’ the love along with the pain. The love will always be with me, and I’m willing to let the pain be there too. I simply decide to take measures to deal with and handle the pain in my daily life, even though it is not always easy.

A few tips for you as you experience grief on your path through life:

1. Allow yourself to grieve, and reach out to others for support when you need it. You don’t have to go through it alone.

2. Expect grief to be a companion; one that will come visit at times. What happens when you little by little begin to allow it to be there? Not to fight or resist, but maybe even see it as a way into the love you have for your animal friend? Remember the quote by Kahlil Gibran:

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” ~ Kahlil Gibran

3. Find a purpose or learn from what happened. For example, to honor Kia, I am dedicating myself to growing personally and to spread her messages and helping others who are going through their own loss. That is my big ‘why’. If it wasn’t for her and the great love she gave and that we shared, it is unlikely I would keep on with this ‘heavy’ work so long. What is your big Why? How can you learn from your experiences with your pet – their life and death? And how can you pay tribute to or honor your pet – and in that process, allow your heart to heal?

Many more suggestions for coping with and healing after pet loss – as well as Kia’s messages – you can find in my book “Healing Pet Loss – Practical steps for coping & comforting messages from animals and spirit guides“.

Before I end this article,  I will share one of Kia’s messages:

“It is when you fully realize that you can access me and my love right here in the present that all guilt and regret fall away, and you can not only remember our time together with love and joy but also experience my presence in the now, for I am with you wherever you go.” ~Kia

As I first got the idea and the title for this article, “Will the grief after pet loss ever go away?”, I decided to go for a walk to get some fresh air before writing the article. It wasn’t until half way through the walk that I realized I was doing a ‘medicine walk’. It was only when I stopped for a moment to look at a view over a lake, and I saw 4 butterflies flying around right in front of me, that I realized the synchronicity in connection with my walk. Butterflies are powerful symbols of transformation, and what a good advice to give to someone who asks, “Will the grief after loss ever go away?” The grief may never go away, but it can be transformed.

The tips above, and especially tip number 3 is an effective and powerful way of transforming the grief into meaning and bring light, love and joy not just into your own life but also into the lives of others.

What have your learned from your animal companion’s life and death? And what actions can you take to honor their life and the love you share? Please share your insights in the comments section below.