The loss of a beloved pet is often accompanied by intense feelings of guilt and regret. You probably find yourself regretting things you did, or failed to do – before, during, or after your pet’s death. You might also experience a need for forgiveness, yet at the same time believe that you cannot or shouldn’t be forgiven.
- Perhaps you decided to euthanize your pet because he or she was in pain, and now you’re not sure you did the right thing.
- It could be you didn’t have the money to pay for expensive treatments when your pet was very ill and you saw it as a last resort to have him euthanized – and now you feel overwhelmed with guilt and regret
- You may regret not having had enough time (or taking the time) to spend with your pet.
- You may feel that you are at fault for not providing a better quality of life for your pet.
- You may blame yourself for missing or ignoring warnings or signs.
Seeking forgiveness after pet loss
There are many reasons why we might feel guilty after the death of our beloved pet. We love our animal companions so much and feel a huge sense of responsibility. We want to give our pets the best care we can possibly give them. So when our beloved pet dies we can easily end up judging and blaming ourselves, and we can be consumed by guilt and find it very difficult or even impossible, to forgive ourselves.
If you find yourself deep in remorse and guilt and are unable to forgive yourself when your pet has died, then the grieving process can become exceedingly difficult and can take a very long time to resolve. Self-punishment will not help.
There are many ways to deal the guilt and self-blame after pet loss, and I will not be able to go into them all here. In this article I will present one perspective. The perspective in this article is from one of my spirit guides, a source of great wisdom. The following is a message I received when I asked about guilt and forgiveness after pet loss:
Guilt, blame, and being unable to forgive – either someone else or yourself – is a holding on to something; wanting something to be different than it is. It is basically not accepting the present moment. Whatever led to this present moment is what you cannot accept. You want to change something that cannot be changed, so blame or guilt is futile.
The first step is to enter a state of inner peace, for instance through meditation, and from there look at the situation and what led to this situation. Look at it without judging, and accept responsibility for your part in what happened. Then you can go over some questions:
- Could you have done something differently?
- What would you do if it happened again?
- What have you learned from this situation?
- How can you do better next time?
But keep in mind that in most situations you are simply doing the best you know how at the moment. Feeling guilty and blaming yourself or someone else keeps you in the pain. It prevents you from taking a step into the unknown future you are facing.
In the case of pet loss, there is an underlying denial, a refusing to accept the loss of a beloved pet, or refusing to accept the way it happened. The separation feels like part of yourself was split off or was taken from you.
When you used to think of yourself and your life, your pet was always part of that – part of you and part of your life. Without your pet, what are you then? Feel what that new spacious you is.
Through meditation, through surrendering to what is, you will reach an inner peace that will follow you wherever you go, just as you will realize that the love you shared with your pet was never lost and will always be part of you.
Try this now:
Can you look at yourself and your situation without judging, without blaming – just letting it be as it is? Feelings and resistance will come up – when they do, allow them to be there and notice the peace and stillness there is underneath all those chaotic feelings. Observe what happens within you. Who is the observer? You are not your thoughts and feelings – they change constantly.
Do a daily meditation or deep relaxation where you practice observing and not judging or blaming – and see what happens.
Action steps
Here’s what you can do to implement some of the suggestions from above.
- First do a meditation to calm your mind, emotions and body, for example the Inner Peace Meditation
- Then allow yourself to experience the situation you are in, the grief and the loss, and notice what thoughts and emotions come up. Do this without judging!
- End by asking yourself the questions above. Write down the answers (in longhand) in a journal or notebook
Besides setting time aside to to the exercises above, you can also, during your daily activities, practice being mindful and notice when you go into the “self-blame” mode. When you do, then try not to identify with the thoughts and feelings; practice just watching. Return to this exercise when you need to.
Natalia Sutton
My most trusted buddy in the world my Poppa passed away Feb 12. I noticed he was bleeding from his butt and rushed him to the vet besides the blood he was ok. By the time I got there he had vomited and was weak. I got a nurse to help me get him inside where they did a million tests. They noticed he ate something which showed up pretty big in his belly. They advised me to leavr him there to rehydrate him give him meds and stabilize him for surgery to remove the object. Later the first night they called me and told me his temp had dropped a little to low. Doc said I’m giving him more antibiotics and fluids and hopefully he’s a little better in the morning. But I was shocked when they called me and told me my Poppa died of septic shock. my heart instantly sank I couldn’t understand what they were saying to me. I got dressed and rushed to the vet and the heart I had left shattered when I seen it was real and my tears and sadness overwhelmed me. After I laid w him for a while I realized I had to leave and he wouldn’t be coming with me. As soon as I thought about it I felt so much guilt that the dog that was so loyal to me died alone. I wonder if he wondered where I was and what was happening I wonder if he was sad and dissapointed in me. I love him so much. I wish I wouldve gone to the vet when. they called to update me but they didn’t make it seem like he was so sick. I hate he spent his last few hours alone I feel like I failed him and he’ll never know how sorry I am.
Tina M.
Reggie was our 15 yo Yorkie who passed on Jan. 1. We took him in to get blood work to clean his teeth back in May. The blood work showed a problem with his kidneys. We changed his diet and went back again, still not better. We knew it would probably be his last year. We watched him loose some of his hearing and sight. He became lost, confused and incontinent. He became very thin, even though he was eating. When I returned home after a week of being gone, he was skeletal and we made an appointment with the vet because he appeared to be suffering. It was a weekend, New Years Eve, and I took that Saturday to hold him and tell him how much I loved him. I fed him water through a dropper. We celebrated together, then I fell asleep. I woke up the next morning and he was gone. I really haven’t experienced so much grief and guilt ever in my life as I have over losing him. I’ve been reading a lot on overcoming the grief, but it’s been less than 48 hrs and I am a hot mess. I thought writing about him would help me. Certainly reading everyone’s stories has allowed me to think this is all a normal process and I need to give myself some time. The guilt is the WORST emotion I’ve ever felt. We agreed he was old, that he lived a good life, and that we would let nature take its course. I was so afraid we would be judged that we didn’t do enough and that the vet would think we starved him. We made that appointment knowing very well we would probably be euthanizing. It’s very painful and hope that we all will find peace and comfort knowing we loved our pets and they would not want us to feel this way.
Marlenne
My beloved 7 yr old Juanita passed away in my arms yesterday morning.. she had kidney failure as well and lost so much weight… I went out that night and came home at 3am… she was just laying there, so I picked her up took her to my bed hugged her and fell asleep while holding her only to wake up at 5:00 and notice she was gone.. I shouldn’t have gone out that night, and I truly believe that God gave me the opportunity to return home on time to hug her .. she didn’t die alone… but I miss her horribly and I know I could have done more for her, but I loved her dearly, too.. i wish I could see her again, and tell her how much I love her…
steph
I have nowhere else to speak my mind, without facing condenment for my actions, so i’ll express here as i look for ways to cope with what iv done. I am an animal lover, i would give my own life to save that of an animal, i volunteer my time for wildlife and i cant even kill flies or spiders. I have a love of birds and planned on breeding birds. I wanted them to have a newly built fancy cage with lots of toys and swings, so while i underwent construction, i placed all my birds inside – the macaws free roam the house but tend to stay on a double cage, i have two sets of caiques and had a pair of sun conures. The sun conures where my newest addition, the female – named pyro, was tame, she loved attention and affection, and we got along instantly. She would rub her head on my cheek, and would make a kiss noise when i went to give her kisses. Manny, the male was aviary bred but accepted nuts from my hand. During the construction of the larger aviaries as i had all the birds inside, i had to keep the conures covered during the night and day, as the sight of the macaws made them panic. I would put food in for them daily through the little side door but couldnt see in. but was always assured by the noise they made. I know it sounded cruel but it was supposed to be a temporary measure, until their fancy fun filled large aviary was complete. I went to get the female out yesterday and to my horror i discovered both my babies were dead… and it WAS my fault…none of this “accidental events leading up” it was literally no-one elses fault but my own, i had forgotten to give them water. I had been so stressed out about money with christmas coming, a relative had commited suicide by gassing in a vehicle, My mum and i said our goodbyes to our 16yr old family pet who was my mums rock, then two days later mums in hospital as she has incurable cancer, so my mind was always elsewhere, and not where it should have been. I even recall seeing the male making sqwarking noises as i changed the food and water of the caiques cage next to the conures, then figured the caiques can go in their outdoor cage for the day (i was supposed to do the conures food and water straight after the caiques but got distracted when i took the caiques out into their play cage) and i forgot… I cant beleive i would be capable of such negligence, I crawled into a ball and screamed when i saw their lifeless bodies, Manny was still clinging to the side of the cage, the same place i last saw him when i changed the water and food for the caiques, while Pyro, my sweet innocent little girl, was on her back, she looked as though she has been dead for a day or two, the bottom of her beak was missing, possibly from the male trying to wake her. I dont know how to cope, i’d give my own life if it could bring those precious little souls back. Im struggling to be a mum since it happened i just dont want to live with what iv done. I wrote them a letter, and read it to them before placing them to rest, it explained how sorry i am, and i never meant to cause them pain and suffering. Alot of people say “think of the good times” but sadly i only had them a month and a half and its when i started building the large aviaries, so to make things worse, these poor babies spent the last month of their lives confined in a tiny cage covered with a blanket… It was supposed to be temporary but now look what iv done… iv caused them not only death, but misery. I HATE myself… i want to tear my own hair out for what iv done, my heart aches and i want to scream. How does one cope when the death not only caused slow suffering and misery, but was 100% at fault of the owner?
Harriet
Please don’t be hard on yourself when you had so much going on in your life! It was just a mistake. I hate myself because I had to have my cat put to sleep, he was 19 but I want him back so much. But we’re only human, you loved your birds, you sound so lovely & caring & I’m upset that you are so hard on yourself when you have so much sorrow in your personal life, please don’t be that way, it was just a mistake because you had so much stress & you’re a lovely person xxx
peg ford
I had my cat Molly for almost 13 years I had to put her down and feel so guilty that I did not try to get her better. I am so naive about cats and some of the conditions they can get, so when she started acting strange, I had a vet come in and she told me she had stage 3 Kidney failure. They put her on another diet, and told me this would slow the process of her kidneys down. They gave me information about kidney failure and said she could have months or 3 years to live. I waited more than a week a half latter and saw she was not geting any better, she was eating but she was acting very lathgetic and hidding in different place, she seemed very sad. I took her to another vet for a 2nd opinnion and she also had borderline hyperthroism, hypertension and was very dehydrated and thought she had heart mummur. I think the vet was going to try to treat her, and I said do you think she should be put down. The vet said she was glad I said that because thout Molly had so many things wrong with her, it would be the most loving thing I could do. Now I feel that I should of tried more treatments before I put her down. I really was very frightened if she went into stage 4 kidney failure and did not want her to expiernce all of that. Do you think I did the right thing. I cannot hardly function feeling I took her life too soon, I will always regret it, I am forever crying, not eat not sleeping and always thinking about her. I also have another cat and sometime I feel I am ignoring him by thinking about her all the time. I wish I could be forgiven.
Mark
I had to put my 13 yr old cat fluffy down this morning. Vet said she had a mass that was cancerous she hadn’t been eating right for 3 weeks with diarea I feel so bad she was my world I feel so guilty he said he could try operation for 1300 dollars but no guarantee she was starving to death just so hard to cope
Gail luca
I just put my girl Joanie down after 14 years and feeling very grief stricken and also left wondering if I should have waited. She had a jaw tumor that was pushing her test out of alignment and was always trying to get rid of it by rubbing her face and licking her teeth. When the vet gave me my options I realized not only could I really not afford it all but there were no guarantees and did I really want to put my cat through all of that? I had her euthanized while I stroked her and told her I loved her. Even though I felt I was doing the right thing I am now so stricken with grief and guilt thinking I should have waited. Its so hard. I keep telling myself that she knew I loved her and we really did have a good long run of it.
melissa
similar thing happened to me today with my 14 year old cat. she’s been poorly for a week or so but this morning when we woke she couldn’t stand and she seemed to have lost so much weighted over night. had her put to sleep this morning and I’m feeling so bad a guilty like it’s all my fault and that she should still be here with me now
Bobal
I had my staffy for a year and a half since he was 2 months old. Very playfull, cheerfull… One night he woke me up vomiting, but only once. I ignored that since it happened to him many times before. Night after he woke me up again vomiting but that was loads of it. So took him to the vet. The vet said that the best option is to take him to hospital since he’s been throwing up bile. However since I was costs concern I was given cheaper option which was treatment in the vets clinic – IV fluid. However following night he continued vomiting so I took him a first thing in the morning once again where I was told to leave him in a clinic through a day. When I came back in the evening he was cheerfull once again. I was told he was given IV fluids and had some x-ray scans and bloods – everything seemed to be almost normal. So he was discharged and I took him back home with me. But within an hour he started vomiting again. So following day I took him once again to the vet where I said that I’m taking him now to hospital. When arrived and explained everything last thing I remember was him looking at me and disappearing behind the door with the vet. Next day he had an operation – they’ve found a ball in his stomach. Howevere never picked up from the operation – like a swing – in the morning he was better and later deteriorated and like that for three days. Never visited him… I was ready to spend on vets up to 2.5k£ but told them that can’t go any higher. And then I was given an option to sign him over to them so they’ll treat him and put him for rehoming. I thought – was case scenario – yes. But few hours after they rang me again and said that he’s still in a pain and now he’s been for quite a while on methadone. So they suggested that maybe it’s better option to put him to sleep. So I told them – why don’t you sign him over to you and treat him but they said that if there was a chance to traet him they would do it… They asked me if I could come and be with him but unfortunately I just started my shift. So I gave them my verbal permition to put him to sleep. And I think that I should at least ask them to wait till the morning so I could be with him in his last minutes not leaving him with strangers without somebody he knew… And really I don’t think I’ll ever forgive that myself as his pack leader… And here it is where I really failed him…
Jenn
Last Thursday we lost Milly, our pug. She was 12 years old. Her death was sudden. We are in shock and crushed. Milly had lost her hearing over the summer. We had taken her in for an exam to try to figure out why and an deep ear cleaning was recommended to see if they could regain some of her hearing. For this she had to be sedated. We had her blood checked to be sure her body could process the sedation – but I think this was focused on her liver / kidney function. Because after they sedated her, her heart stopped and they could not resuscitate her. I am consumed by grief and guilt. I feel so responsible for letting her go in for this procedure when she was clearly too old. How could I have not known better? I miss her so much and feel that I put her in harm’s way. I did not understand it was such a risk. She was peppy before we went in. I keep seeing her little face when I left her, afraid at the vet. I told her I’d see her soon. She seemed in good health, and was – which the blood test showed. The vet said it could have been an underlying heart condition that went undetected. I wish I had had a chance to say good bye. I just want to get to a better place with this so I can focus on the love.
janice
My beautiful boy, Meeko, passed away on Saturday. I tried to feed him dinner but he only ate a few pieces. I looked at my husband and told him I thought he was dying. He seemed to be breathing harder than normal. About 4 hours later, 1:30 am, I heard a little cough. I went to check and he was lying in the hall, breathing hard. I wasn’t sure what to do. I hate myself for not finding at 24 hour vet and taking him straight there. I woke my husband after watching him for a while. He worsened throughout the night. More than once we thought about taking him to a 24 hour vet. I even called at one point about 4:30 am, but then he seemed to settle a bit. A couple hours later my regular vet opened and we took him there. My vet’s exact words were, out of what he thought was my earshot; “I have to go deal with the cat lady.” He certainly took his time getting us back there. Once he realized the severity of the situation he took him back for xrays, but he passed away on the table. The vet came to us and simply said, “well, he’s gone.” It took us a moment to realize what he was saying and then we both just collapsed into tears. His lungs, heart sac and chest were full of fluid. A few hours later the vet called to tell us it was his hypertrophic cardiomyapathy, and blamed me for not taking our cats for annual exams. He told me that they could have found it and treated it. I hate myself. I can’t even begin to describe how much I hate myself. I failed him. I found him as a stray 7 years ago, and spent weeks getting him to inch closer to me. I finally caught him, took him to the vet and he came to live with us, but when he needed me most, I failed him. I haven’t taken my kids for annual exams. If there’s a problem, noticeable lumps or urinary problems, which 4 of them have, I take them, but I’ve never done just annual exams. It’s destroying me knowing how much I failed him. How God gave me this beautiful creature to care for and I let him die. I hate myself so much.
Beth
do not please guilty. I pretty much agree with you that if a cat is not very old and/or suffering for an ongoing basis, that there’s not a need to take them in yearly. even if you did, they may not have caught it. also, the cost is not cheap. you gave him food, water, shelter and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. he may not have received any of this and died alone on the street. please remember that!
Charlotte
Peppy hwas shy most of his life, but he was always near me. I was moderately concerned when he had difficulty trying to move his bowels unsuccessfully. That is when I should have taken him to the vet…but I didn’t A couple of days later, my husband and I prepared for a two day trip (an important one for him), and as we got into the car I saw Peppy again trying to move his bowels. I cannot forgive myself for going on the trip.. I knew I would take him to the vet upon our return, but when we came home, he had died. I cannot understand my decision and I am completely distraught. My husband also loved our Peppy. He is now distant with me. I don’t know how I can survive my guilt and loss.
Nancy
It is hard to lose somebody you love, everyone would change certain things in their lives with hindsight. You did not believe at the time it was that serious and did agree to take Peppy upon your return. Nobody really wants to believe their pet is seriously ill as they are usually so robust more so than humans. Just remember you did love Peppy your husband may be distant as he feels guilt and loss too.
Julie Mills
I believe that it was only that you loved Meeko so very much that you had in some way blanked yourself to his immediate suffering and also that you wished for him to die peacefully with you and family at home. I am sure that he had a wonderful life with you – please do not let the last hours of his life discolour this in any way to you. He loved you and you loved him, be thankful that you had 7 years together – you were blessed to have found each other. My love and Reiki blessings to you.
Tera
Janice, I’m so sorry. I have always been the same with my children and animals. I lost my Roxxi Thursday. She had CHF and kidney disease which were undiagnosed for a long time. Our vet has been kind and didn’t blame us, but I have blamed myself enough for all of us. I hope all is well with you now.
Crystal Santos
This forum has been a blessing. I found my cat’s body yesterday. SunSun has been with me for 13 years. He started out a scared rescue (grey tiger named Sunny, go figure) and bloomed into my best friend, following me everywhere, in my bed to greet me every morning and waited until I fell asleep every night. That’s how I instantly noticed he was missing when I returned home from work and he was not waiting on the kitchen bay window seat to greet me when I came home. After days of searching the house, the neighborhood bushes, neighbors’ garages, putting up flyers around the neighborhood, in mailboxes, gas stations, vet offices, local rescues, multiple Facebook posts, etc, I found his body yesterday in the neighbor’s yard, a mere 10 feet from my front door. A trail of his hair led to their locked backyard; he must have tried to come when I called to him, which I did multiple times a day from my front porch, and crawled back under the locked gate. I hate myself for letting him out the door, even though I never saw him leave and he rarely ever wanted to go outside other than to wait for me on the door threshold. I was distracted that day with unexpected repairs on a truck we had just bought. I hate that I let that distract me from the important things in life–like my best friend for the past 12 years, seeing me through 3 moves and college. He had lost a lot of weight recently (2 lbs). The vet confirmed his bloodwork was fine. I thought it was the recent move from a one-story apt to a two-story home with much more room to play in. I wish I had been there with him in his last moments. I wish I had pushed the vet to check for medical issues. And most of all, I wish he was still here. I have not forgiven myself, as he trusted me implicitly and I failed him. Simple as that. He was only 13 and should have had many more years. It gives me hope that there is another poster who feels exactly as I do. I hope that, with time, I can forgive myself for being human and that he knew I loved him fiercely, which is why he went from a cat you never saw to the one who greeted all our guests. He will be missed.
Becky
I had to have my beautiful girl tia a doberman put to sleep yesterday I feel really guilty for not bein there when she was put to sleep I just couldn’t watch it it was to heart breaking, will she forgive me for it, I loved her and she loved me I just cant stop feeling ive let her down, what shall I do?
Will she know I loved her or think ive been disloyal? And abandoned her,
sarah pennells
I put my cat to sleep because of cancer I had her for 14 years since I was a teenager and I’m 30 years old now its been six months since I lost her and I’m still in pain over her death and don’t know how to get passed it.
Pat
i had been feeding a feral cat for over a year..over the last few months he had started to loose weight..i was moving so i decided to trap him and take him with me..Ge did good at my house for 3 days..then he began bleeding from the mouth..i took him to the emergency vet..but dont feel they did a good job..so 3 days later i took him to another vet..He seemed better for a few days but then began to cry. So i took him back when i was told he had cheonic renal failure a slow heart rate and mouth ulcers..i feel horrible..The vet told me he was very sick and that treatment might not help because he was in a advanced stage..also that the cist could be thousands..i didnt want him to be in pain but i only had 3 weeks of showing him love and giving him a home..i am devasted ..i feel guilty and cant help but feel i let him down..i wish i would of tried to do some of the treatment..i cant stop crying and feeling like i should of tried more..i spent 1000.00 dollars and still he had to be put down..the sadness and guilt is consuming me…i miss him so much and only wish i would of known how bad off he was…
Sherellee
I just had to put my fur baby to sleep, she was 15 years old blind but last 2 weeks was loosing weight. I held her in my arms and felt her heart stop I knew before vet said anything she had gone……. My beautiful baby I lost my boy 2 years ago in a months time and he died at home next to our daughter. It now looks like I will need to put my next fur baby to sleep in near future she is also 14 going 15 year and the daughter to one I lost…… Just it’s raining and storming here right now and all my babies are scared of storms I feel I need to keep them all safe, maybe it’s because I just got her ashes back, and certificate says she was privately cremated on 25th but died on 12th I hope they looked after her my heart is breaking right now and the tears won’t stop. I miss them so much just 1 more hug 1 more lick 1 more cuddle 1 more pat 1 more day would be better than this. I feel your pain I really do I can’t say anything to help because I know it won’t help :(
Lemuria
I feel so very guilty for my 17 years old persian cat that passed yesterday, loved and cherished so much one each other. Had her since teenage now almost 35 years. She was my only family left , being a gift surprise from my father that passed away, after my mom, and grandmother. She was on daily treatment for the last two years for cardiac insuffincy and in her last days she refused to eat, drink, went to the vet told me she might have also diabetes and gave my treatment , done that, changed her food, next day wasn t happy for the results seeing no change in her behaivour went to another vet, with fluids for several hours and being with her permantly, did not lose her from my sight not even once, next day did the same , another 3 hours of fluids, the third day they told me that they can t do anything, i couldn t accept it , cause despite of all she was walking , present , purring, meowing , then i went to the veteranary university and told me that we would try to put her into oxigen and stood there for 5 hours where she became jolly so ok and then a bit tired thought after all the struggle from the last days, then the vet said she will be gone in few hours so it s my decision…to euthanize or if she ll suffocate but didn t give any more details, by this i understood that ofcourse all reaches for the last breath. as she was and saw her i said i wont accept and won t leave her to go like this that she deserve to not panic and dye in the hands of the vets on a table …i guess i didn t want to accept that her time has came after all and just said that she needs a better passing ,in her bed with me beside her untill the end and after all i have seen, called the vet at 3 am morning and said that i was wrong i had better done that and i d come now, told me it s easter and it wouldn t be deacent and also too late cuz they wouldn t find a vein… saw her pain and i was still able to do this untill the end just conforting her, talking all night, petting her untill the morning when she went …you feel guilt of trying to do the right thing….i was week and thought it s better not to do it, and moral that she would deserve a family member treatment cuz you don t decide in this case ok put him down , you stay be him or her till the end ….she passed, but not peacefull at all. She did not deserve it and i feel guiilty because untill the end i couldn t let her go or accept it and thought if it happened she d be better in my arms to her last breath…i guess i was selfish now….now i regret it. I am so sorry….would i have done otherwise ? Yes…
Lynn
I am also tormented with guilt, my seemingly healthy 11 year old cockapoo starting breathing heavy and shaking Thursday night. He had seemed fine even went on a walk earlier that evening. As the night progressed he started snorting a lot (reverse sneezing). I was up with him all night and took him to the vet first thing Friday where xrays confirmed he had a mass on his lung. My vet sent me home with steroids and antibiotics saying we can try and make him comfortable and see how it goes. The next 2 nights were miserable and I eventually wanted a second opinion from a reputable ER hospital. They confirmed he had cancer that had spread to lungs from the heart and sent us home with euthanasia information and no meds. The following night we put our little boy down. My torment is that I later realized the steroids may have helped his breathing in a few days I didn’t realize that and thought it was only to help him eat and drink more. I may have just been buying a little time with him but it would have been precious time even if only for a few weeks and I don’t understand why second vet didn’t realize he had only been on meds for 2 days before she decided they couldn’t help him. At a time like that your head is spinning and you need guidance. I guess I saved him from any further pain but I sure miss the days I might have still had with him.
Emma Ashcroft
We lost our 11 year old Cairn Terrier two weeks ago yesterday after weeks of suffering and putting her through major surgery. We were told giving her the surgery could prolong her life by up to 5 years, a healthy 5 years. Despite surviving the surgery, which we were immensely relieved for, there were complications that followed and she had to be put down anyway after a further week of suffering.
So although we got another precious week with our dog it was the most miserable and stressful week of our lives. Our biggest regret with this whole horrific experience was not putting our little baby down sooner and preventing all this pain and suffering (for both of us). What I’m trying to say is that those ‘days you might of had’ weren’t guaranteed to be enjoyable and necessarily pain free for either of you and it was a very brave and selfless thing to put your little cockapoo to rest to prevent that possibility from happening. Don’t regret doing what you did.
Barbara Ryan
Beautiful post!
Peg L
I’m so sorry about your dog. I would’ve chosen surgery also.
Thank you for your post. Your story will help so many
Vickie
That phrase “might have had” made more sense to me than anything I’ve read. I put down my Monet 13 1/2 dog last week. He had cushings, heart disease, was blind, deaf, and had injured his neck and back. He was still getting around, but his spirit was gone. His love for me was keeping him alive. I am struggling with my decision. Thank you.
Melissa
I totally feel where you are coming from. My Hemi boy was blind, had thyroid problems, glaucoma, arthritis, and Cushings. He lost his spirit in a sense but when he would get up there were times he would wag his tail but then times it was limp and he would separate from us. But I still feel that I jumped the gun instead of seeing if I could help him in some way. I can’t kick the guilt I feel.
maria karakiozis
I feel so guilty about putting my 14 year old dog lucky down today. He was a jack russell cross. He was so loyal and loving and we tried to give him a good life. Unfortunately trips to the vet were few because of his nervousness in the treating rooms. We took him for bloodwork and found liver enzymes were high. He was given tablets and seemed fine for awhile. Unfortunately a day ago he went downhill really fast. He got conjunctivitis and he was not eating or drinking or going to the loo. I called a home vet because he was so weak to travel but they didnt arrive and didnt even call to let me know they werent coming. So i had to take hime to another vet which thankfully was close by. When they did bloodwork everything was thru the roof kidneys, liver etc. They said we could take him to a specialist who could perform additional tests but that was in the thousands and there was no guarantee he would make it there. So as hard as it was i had to make the decision to put him down. Hardest decision ever. I was told he didnt feel a thing and it was quick but i keep blaming myself what if i had done more could i have done more. I miss him so much. How does somebody get over this grief.
Wendy
I had a similar experience as you. Except, mine was a 12 yo cat. I couldn’t afford treatment, because I’m already in a lot of debt. I had to think of the big picture. My cat was always agitated while at the vet, and always had to be sedated just to be examined, so it was expensive each visit. She was blind. She kept vomiting and losing weight, and the only option was to sedate, xray, blood test, etc. and that was close to $500 plus whatever treatment was needed. Then on top of that she had an eye ulcer from having herpes, that was recurrent, which also only a specialist could treat. And they only would look at her if she was sedated, which added up. Over the course of 2 years, I spent well over $2000 and got absolutely no where. Then yesterday, I decided after a month of her vomiting and wasting away to skin & bones, that it was her time. And I stayed until the end for her. I wish I could do more, and I probably could have, I mean I was already in debt…but who’s to say that it would have saved her anyway. I got a picture in place of where she used to sleep, and her remains are being cremated and returned to me. She was everything to me. The one I trusted with all my secrets. My best friend for over 12 years. And now she’s gone. I’ve never felt so lonely and guilty, and depressed. I hope she forgives me.
Elleode
I have read all of these and it has given me some comfort that I am not the idiot monster that I think I am. My beautiful cat Bobby had started to wee and spray in the house and I thought this was down to stress so I sought advice at the pet shop and bought some calming sprays and plug in’s. Wednesday morning he seemed fine but after work he hadn’t greeted me like normal so I went upstairs to find him hunched under the desk. He seemed poorly so I put him on my bed and decided to take him to the vets in the morning. However i should have taken him straightaway and I am full of self hatred and guilt. The vets did all they could with two days of fluids and meds but on the Saturday they said he should be put to sleep as he would not recover from acute renal failure. We cuddled him and told him that we loved him and his passing was peaceful and I don’t feel guilty about that part as it was the right thing to do. However what kills me is that I should have taken him that night and he may still be here with me. I was his carer and I should have done so much better, I failed him. He was such a loving little chap and my teenagers are distraught without him. The pain is unbearable I don’t know if my life will ever be happy again. If only they could talk. Rest in peace my beautiful big bruiser bobby I will always love you.
Chandra
My sweet beautiful cat Autumn passed away this past Sunday. I feel the same as you. She started to pee on my things, and not sleep with me anymore. I kept chalking it down to stress. We had gotten a new kitten in the household, and I just thought she was upset. She was 9 years old, and in her past she had always been temperamental. She was a Tortie breed with a defenite tortitude. I blamed myself because I went on vacation thinking I could take her to the vet when I got back in town. She was getting thinner but still eating, and drinking water. When I got back from vacation she died the next day in my arms, and I feel so sad without her. She was an immense part of my life, and like you I blame myself too. I try to make it through my day, but I feel as though I can’t forgive that I failed her. My loving friend. I keep coming home expecting to see her laying by the heater, or licking her paws by the tub. All the good times I remember drive me to smile, and cry all at the same time. My cat passed on a Sunday so we rushed to the animal shelter, but it was too late. My kitty passed within 3 minutes. I feel like I’m too blame. I read her cues wrong. Way wrong. I miss her, but all I can do is try to relax. I think that I will always blame myself. She was always there with me. Through my twenties. I just really miss her. I feel just like you. I just wanted to comment that you aren’t alone out there. I’m really struggling with the loss, forgiveness, and sadness. The vet said that Autumn most likely had diabetes. I failed her, and it breaks my heart too. I hope it gets easier for all of us coping with losing our dear friends.
Sue
Me too, so much guilt on top of the heartbreak. My beloved German Shepherd Eddie died after surgery. I noticed on Monday his tummy was very hard. I took him to the vet Tuesday who said, “not good”. He sent me to a different place to have xrays and ultrasound. Eddie was so nervous after one vet visit and it was a beautiful day (rare in Ohio) and I had to go to work by 3 so I told the girl I’d bring him back first thing in the morning. I brought him home INSTEAD (this is where the guilt is) I was right there in the parking lot but he was acting so normal other than being scared about the vet visit. So we went home and he laid in the sun. He seemed happy. I went to work but was worried so I thought when I get home I’m going to change my clothes and bring him in as they are open 24/7. When I got home he was fine, barking happily when he heard my car, begged for people food, we went and sat outside for a bit because it was so warm. I was happy that he seemed so good and was satisfied with my decision to bring him to X-ray place in the morning. I woke every two hours that night and checked him, he was good. Last I checked was 4:30. I woke at 6:30 and he was laboring to breathe, unbelievable how fast he went downhill. I rushed him to vet, they did X-rays and surgery to remove a large tumor on his spleen. He made it through surgery but died two hours later. I am devastated. It’s bad enough that I lost an angel dog but to think I was right there in the parking lot but decided to let him lay in the sun and go back in the morning makes me sick to my stomach. I loved him so. I did what I thought was best but honestly my decision making skills that fateful day were childish and now I suffer.
sandra
Sue, I think that was so beautiful you made the decision to sit in the sun and enjoy special time with Eddie. That was not irresponsible that you decided with your heart. I think those moments were a gift. I lost my best friend, Mister Punkins, last month… he had cancer… I am trying to learn from my grief, I have a lot of guilt… but i bring myself to those moments we had together in the sun and remembering his happiness in spite of the pain and discomfort he was feeling. I hope you can find your way through this. I hope I can as well. It is the most heartbreaking process I have ever experienced… (I lost my little teacher…)
Danielle
I had to put down my 5 year old kitty, Munchie, down today. I adopted Munchie when he was 9 months old from the local pet clinic. As a brand new kitten he was found by himself in a cinder block. He was riddled with fleas, worms, ringworm. You name it, he had it. The clinic treated him. He was treated with multiple antibiotics, skin treatments, etc. After 9 months, they placed him up for adoption. No one wanted him because he would growl, hiss, and was too much to handle. The pet clinic assumed since he had such a hard first 9 months of his life, he did not like human contact. I mean could you blame him, he didn’t understand that the clinic was trying to make him better, not torture him. When I laid eyes on him, I just knew we were meant for each other. He was very responsive to me. We instantly had a connection, a special bond. Throughout the years we developed a routine. My husband works evenings, so once he left it was cuddle time for Munchie and I. He would always wait for me in the bathroom while I was showering, greet me when I came home, talk with me, always followed me around. He was my buddy! Unfortunately, 2 days ago he began not acting like himself. He was extremely lethargic and not social. Throughout the day he visibly became more weak. He would only walk a couple of (shaky) feet and flop over. The following day I took him to the vet. Taking him to the vet is a huge ordeal because of his previous history. They always have to sedate him prior to even doing an exam because he becomes very aggressive and out of control (it broke my heart every time he had to go). I’ve tried staying with him during visits and he even attacks me. It is extremely stressful for him. Blood work and urine were evaluated. His liver enzymes and bilirubin were through the roof. They decided to administer fluids, give him an antibiotic (in case of infection) and monitor for 24hrs. I was hoping this would be the ticket for him to feel better! I woke up this morning and couldn’t find him anywhere. I finally found him lying in his litter box (mind you, it was not a clean box). I tried calling him out of it, but he was so weak he couldn’t come out on his own. He attempted, but only got his front legs out. I called the vet and was told most likely he had a liver tumor. They couldn’t be 100% sure, so they offered to do an ultrasound, but because he’s so aggressive be
would have to be sedated again. I asked them if they found a tumor, what could be done. They said surgery, but because of the amount of stress it would put on him recovering in the clinic, he probably wouldn’t make it. They said he was “untreatable” because of the amount of stress he is put under every time he has to go to the vet clinic. They said it wouldn’t be realistic to keep him sedated during recovery so they could treat him. Sedation is the only way he would let anyone near him for anything. They offered euthanasia. I discussed it with my husband and we finally came to the decision to put him down. We weighed the different options. We thought he was declining way too fast and to put him through all the additional stress of sedating him for multiple different tests was too heart breaking. Now that is all said and done, I’m completely devastated. I keep questioning our decision. I keep assessing the “what ifs.” I keep replaying every moment in my head and it all feels justified mentally, but emotionally I feel like I let him down. I feel like I didn’t try hard enough and fight for him. I feel like I killed him. I hope with time I can release the guilt and grief, but right now I’m an emotional wreck. While writing this I do feel a bit better. I want to thank you for creating this page. I hope I’ll find peace within myself.
Chandra
I understand. I feel the same. Stay strong Danielle. I’m struggling too. I miss my Autumn so bad. I loved her so much. It’s a hard decision, but you really tried to save your cat. You did your best. He was suffering.
Wendy
I feel the same as you. My 12 yo Chia, was an aggressive cat too and had to be sedated she went to the vet. One week she went 3 times, and was sedated 3 times. I felt so bad for her. We have to believe that we made the right decision. Your little guy was lucky to have you, and mine was lucky too. We are good people who did the right thing. I feel guilty too, but I’m trying to find peace. I hope you find peace as well.
Lucky
My 9 year old Dog began having a nagging cough in the fall of 2015, we took him to the Vet to check him out. We were told he had congestive heart failure and was accumulating fluids in his lungs, his heart was enlarged and putting pressure on other organs. We were told he would need medication for the rest of his life and that we should expect that he could worsen and pass within 12months. We got the Meds and administered them diligently, and had pretty well ignored the Vets comment amount his life span with his condition. The Meds, seemed to help, he still had a cough just not as often and was his normal loving self. we spent months with him and the meds, cough all of it just became part of our everyday life, nothing to worry about we had our beloved dog. His cough began to worsen over the last month or so, but he seemed fine no other symptoms still active and cheerful.
we would comfort him and make him feel loved. earlier this week, we noticed his breathing was abnormal and almost as if he had shortness of breath, rapid breathing, but his heart beat seemed normal for him. we all went to sleep for the night and in the morning his condition had not changed so we took him to the Vet; thinking some more meds and we could take him home.
The vets advised that they were going to try some medication but were warning us he may not respond to the meds as it seemed he was having a very difficult time breathing. We set him up got the vets to give him the meds. after the first dose the Vets came in and told us to prepare for him not going home as they could not see improvement. We still didn’t believe them, they gave him a second dose and also some sedatives to help him relax and ease his heart. We cuddled him as he was on oxygen and still rapidly breathing. It came to make the decision and the vets were pushing euthanasia as they didn’t believe he could get better and was suffering. It all happened soo fast we stayed with him and comforted him and then we were asked to sign papers to begin the process, we did. I still did not allow the vets to euthanize him, i picked him up ( now off oxygen) and I could feel his little heart beating like crazy, he made a cry of pain / discomfort when i picked him up and Then I knew there was nothing I could do and didn’t want him to suffer. He was put to rest minutes after and it was devastating. All we do now is play what if scenarios , and feel extreme guilt, its overwhelming. I keep telling my self maybe if we let the sedatives wear off and waited a bit more he would have gotten better and we could have had a bit more time with him. He tried to stand right before the euthanasia and this made me feel horrible as if i was killing my dog……… I go through waves of acceptance but most all i can think of is he is gone and i should have done more or differently to keep him with us……..it has been 4 days now and I cannot seem to accept it or put my mind at ease.
This was my first dog and I had him for 8 years, we adopted him from a neglected state from his previous owner and we loved him soo much he brought so much joy and laughter, but now he is gone. I am exhausted with these feelings of guilt and pain……..
chere goddard
I know I know I know ! feels so vile and heartbreaking. I am so sorry you are suffering. I was in that same place ( well still am really ) exhausted with the guilt, what if’s etc. Hope you heal soon x Our darling babies are at rest now.
Chandra
I feel the same. I know you loved your dog, and he loved you guy’s so much too that he held on as long as he could. You really did everything you could do. You had to make a decision. It’s so hard when they are young. My cat Autumn was only 9, and I will never know what took her life. I am living now with the blame of not getting her to the vet on time. The vet feels it may have been diabetes. She passed this past Sunday, and I held her while she tried to breath, and live. I failed her. I chalked up her weight loss to stress because she was eating and drinking water. I misread her signals. It’s so hard because they can’t talk to us. I loved her so much. I’m still grieving too, and I don’t feel like I’ll ever be the same again.
Tina
I have just read your post my heart goes out to you I know that what you did for your beloved pet was the best you could do please try not to Blame yourself some things are out of our control. I myself have just gone through the same thing my wonderful boy a little Yorkie had the same as your dog that nagging cough never went away got worse breathing difficulties lungs and heart chambers filling with fluid had to send him to Rainbow bridge dogs with heart failure just go down so fast my boy went for his walk had a little play and I like you Felt He’s doing well on Monday of this month I had to put him down he could not breath the fluids were filling his lungs and heart like you I am finding it hard but I keep telling myself that I gave him a wonderful life like you did with your pet. your pet would not have got better you loved him so much that the last thing you could do for him was take that pain away and give him peace I hope you can find some Comfort in these words and I am so sorry for your loss.
chere goddard
Feeling like we betrayed our sweet Smoochie. Our beloved old dog was 14 years and 10 months old. he had diabetes, pancreatitis, liver problems which were being managed but he also developed kidney disease which we hoped we could stave off with meds as it was only stage 2. He did not really respond to the anti sickness meds so did not want to eat or even drink water. I had to force feed water and small amounts of food for the last week or so before we took him to his final rest. He was incontinent most of the time and also deaf and getting blind…BUT he still seemed okay and still wanted to play a little ( not go for a walk though) About a month ago he started not settling at night at all and only wanted his duvet on the floor up a corner ( he usually slept in bed with me and always wanted to up to that point). He did not want to snuggle on sofa with us as much either anymore. On the night we decided to let him go he was crying in his bed and struggling to get across the floor in a restless state. We thought he was in pain and decided enough was enough. Now we wondered were we too hasty….feeling like we did not give enough time to see if he would have come round for a few more weeks even. Feel so guilty like a murderer and to make it worse when the drug was administered he yelped for about 10 seconds…most heartbreaking sound I will ever hear in my life (vet said it was only a brain reaction but how can I know that is true) Why do I feel like this if it was the right thing to do…it feels so bad and so wrong.
JV
Its ok , you did the right thing, sounds like his condition was getting unbearable for him , the changes you noticed are signs that things were getting much worse. Many people have had to make that descision, try if you can to see it as loving him so
much that you wanted him to be free of the pain and he was instantly free and well again as soon as he passed, I know because it happened to me in the recovery room, I was not waking up and I was on the other side and all your problems are gone, it was so nice, I kept saying I feel so good. They were able to bring me back around and wake me up, but I knew something had happened, there is so much love there. It’s ok , he is happy, healthy and having fun now.
chere goddard
Thank you so much for your kind words x I actually feel a little better today as I found a really helpful scale to help decide if your dog is past the point of no return. We did the figures and the scale said if it scored 8 or higher ( things like incontinence, appetite, playfulness, how many drugs were keeping them going etc, were taken into account) well Smoochies score was 23! off the scale so now we know we definitely made the right choice for him. Still feel sad and we will honour him with our grief but we will try to remember all the happy life he had. He was so loved and pampered probably more than some poor little children in the world ( must keep things in perspective I tell myself ) xxx
Susan
I remember my vet said that he was vocalizing…. fighting for life. Why didn’t I stop the procedure right then and there? I know how you feel, I have been sad thinking about my sweet baby boo since Nov 16. I am so full of regret and guilt and I wish there was some way that I could verify that he knows how perfect of a dog he was and how I loved him so much and never wanted his last moments to be filled with panic.
Michael
Today my wife and I are having our beloved Chow Chow, CD, put to sleep. It is the hardest decision we have had to make as we have had him since 8 weeks. He is 13 years old and has severe arthritis to the point his back legs give out and he falls down.
He cannot climb stairs anymore and it appears the spark is gone from his eyes. I don’t know if I can sit through the final goodbye.
Joanne
We just put our 13 yo lab down tonight because of the same reasons. One of hardest things I’ve ever been through. We are so heart broken.
Joseph Vargas
Hello, Joseph from Los Angeles. I had to put to sleep Bonnie, my Scotty Terrier today. Due to excessive seizures that would not stop. This came suddenly, my family pet for 11 years. I believe she had suffered brain damage beyond the seizures, maybe strokes? She appeared not to recognize her home surroundings, including me. I have so much guilt on my chest, it really hurts. The doctor, after going for three days in a row, as she went down hill after the second day, the Dr. told me that he felt I made the right decision…….but I don’t feel that way since 8:30 am on 3/17/16, it’s very heavy for me, my wife appears to be doing well, as Bonnie adored me (LOL).
Chandra
I know this is late Michael but I know how you feel. My beloved kitty Autumn passed away in my arms, and I couldn’t save her. It was on of the saddest moments in my life that I’ve ever experienced. I’ve never felt this way besides the one time when I was in a bad car accident as a kid. The loss is terrible, and makes you feel like you failed your beloved friend. I wish I could say I knew how to cope with this but I don’t. I just lost my sweet Autumn this past Sunday. I’m struggling through work, and normal routines. I miss her so much.
Kate Riggs
I know how you feel, my first kitten ever was very close to me and one day my parents told me that he had a heart disease. We got one more night with him and had to put him down the next day at 3 months old. I now feel guilt because I rarely think of him but when I do I don’t stop crying.
Gigi
Yesterday, on Valentines Day I said goodbye to Cecelia, my 16 yeard old Chihuahua. She had a mammary mass that had spread to her lungs. I have had her since she was a puppy. She was the most sweet, loving dog I have ever met. This past week she started losing weight rapidly and was declining her wet food. Yesterday, she stopped eating all together and her breathing was very labored. I took her in and the Vet advised me due to her rapid weight loss and loss of muscle mass she would be going very soon. In her case where the cancer spread to her lungs she would have suffered a very painful death. I couldn’t allow that so I decided to let her go to the rainbow bridge. I was there with here because I couldn’t let her go alone. I caressed her as the Doctor injected the anesthesia overdose. It was very quick and I’m so glad she went this way instead of gasping for air. I came home to her empty basket where she’d like to sleep and I felt so devastated and I still do. I had her privately cremated. I’ll miss her little sneezes and the way she would stare at the wall for no reason. I can’t wait to meet her at the rainbow bridge. RIP my tiny princess.
chere goddard
hope you feel better soon…so sorry for your loss
Nora Hanson
I feel devastated. I moved into a new house several years ago and soon after discovered an elderly cat living in the backyard. I tried to rehome her, but was not successful due to her age and none of the rescue groups would take her. I am severely allergic to cats but decided to keep her as an outdoor cat because I felt bad for her. She always stayed on my deck and I fed her everyday for several years. I did not like that she was using my garden and the rest of my backyard as a liter box. I tried to train her to use a litter box, but was not successful. I have pet birds but I could not place my birds out on the deck, because when I did, she tried to attack their cage. I did not feel attached to her, I was just trying to let her live out her life. Unfortunately, I eventually grew tired of taking care of her and decided one morning to take her to the local animal shelter. They estimated her age to be between 17-20 years old and told me she’s too old for adoption and would probably be euthanized. I reluctantly agreed. When I went home later that day, I felt extreme sadness that she was not on the deck anymore, I realized then how attached I was to her. I cried so much and felt so guilty. I decided to call the shelter the next day and take her back. But when I called, it was too late. They euthanized her the day I dropped her off. I feel extremely guilty, sad and depressed and can’t bear to look at my yard anymore because I remember her and I remember how I decided to remove her, and I miss her terribly and can’t stop crying. I feel I did her wrong, and feel like a terrible person for it
Chandra
Nora. I am an extreme pet lover and I can understand your guilt. We are all human and we make mistakes. I feel so bad to read your post because I can’t imagine the pain you must feel. I lost my cat because I too made a mistake. I put off taking her to the vet thinking she was just stressed because she was losing weight and still eating. I lost her last Sunday and I blame myself for not doing anything. We all make decisions that sometimes are not the right ones. You did share a part of your life with this cat and she was apart of you. She brought you that. I know this will probably not comfort you but I am also struggling to comfort myself as well. Your post has helped me to realize that we all struggle in different ways. You loved this cat. Don’t beat yourself up. You made a mistake. I did too. :(
Jeanne
Nora, thank you for your heartfelt and honest post. I lost my Chopstick (tonkinese 15 yrs) yesterday. I too have guilt. I originally adopted her in 1999/2000 (summer) from a shelter as an 8 week old baby. I raised her until 2004-at that time I began caregiving for my mom and felt like her unrelentless attention was ‘too much’ and a ‘bother’. I found her a home-which I thought a ‘good home.’ Periodically the new owner would email pics and I could tell by the look in Chopstick’s eyes she was angry. The new home had large dogs and , being a tiny thing, she did not take too kindly to the dogs. The new owner also left often, traveling, leaving her alone for long periods. Five years ago-the new owner-with a set of pics, asked me to take her back saying “she as not adjusting well to the 2 dogs’-I did not. That is a decision I will always regret. To think of it now makes me sick. It was not ‘convenient’ though by this time I already adopted a dog and didn’t want the ‘bother.’ This past January-I kept getting visions and thoughts of Chopstick-when I brought my dog to the groomer they had commented that she was fascinated with cats-and it got me thinking about bring Chopstick home. I felt though I could not just call this woman out of the blue. That same week the woman (out of the blue) emailed me saying she was going out of the country for a month, and could I take Chopstick. I did. When I went to see her, she was living on the floor of a dirty walk in clothes closet. Her food and literbox were crammed in another dark, dingy closet. Her whiskers were bent, her fur coming out in clumps from stress and her legs of not much use-as she was afraid to walk due to the dogs having free reign of the house. I was sick and devastated. She told me she left her alone when she went away and a friend would fill her dried food. I looked at my cat and could see she gave up-lost her will to live. I was so angry with myself and ashamed. I stayed with my cat for over an hour and the woman offered that I take her and ‘try it out’ for good. I did. The two days prior to picking her up, I bought her all new things, stairs so she could have the freedom to come on my bed and the futon, a kitty defuser that gave off calming scents, top organic food for her health, clean bright litter box in my meditation room. The first night she had an ‘accident’ and tinkled on the futon where I slept with her so she would not be afraid-but she literally rubbed against my face all night-I awoke to find her staring nose to nose at me-just so joyful to be back. I kept asking her to please forgive me for I knew I had done the wrong thing by giving her away. The day I picked her up I took her right to my vet-who also uses holistic methods. She did a full panel on her and said she had hyperthyroidism, but we would first treat it with enzymes and herbs-as she checked her heart and blood pressure and it was ok-I was to return to the vet the end of March. When I first got her she wouldn’t even make eye contact and had her back to all humans. By week 1, I showed her she didn’t have to live/hide under a bed for survival-or even in a closet. I slowly taught her the stairs-and the first night she learned them she happily woke me up to show me her new feat. I ‘gated’ my home so the dog had one side of the house and she had the other. She had access to my kitchen, bedroom and meditation room-so she go to sleep with me each night. The last 2 weeks (I had her almost 8 weeks) she actually began climbing on me-and following me from room to room in the mornings like she use to do as a baby. She never took to the dog and I was fine with that-as she knew she was safe and that I wasn’t about to ‘force’ a relationship. Things finally seemed settled and I felt joy when with her and then yesterday morning I woke up and she was not sleeping with me, as when I had fallen asleep with her right next to me. I finally got up and went to the meditation room. There she lay, completely peaceful on the floor-not contorted, not curled up-front paws actually crossed, as she use to do when she napped, mouth semi-open to a half-smile-and to my shock and devastation-she had passed. I soulfully regret having lost that 10 years with her-as when she returned to me she was about 15 years old. I regret that she lived 10 years confined-breaking her spirit to live, and that 5 years ago I could have and should have taken her back. I only hope that the 8 weeks was enough to show her how sorry and regretful I was. I would wake up and look at her each day and tell her “I am going to use today and every day you are with me to make up my mistake to you-a living amends.” I did for the 8 weeks-however I miss her joyful spirit tremendously. I regret I let ‘life’ dictate to me the ‘important’ things when the truly important thing is now gone. I hope my story might help someone who too is suffering.
Erin
I euthanized my almost 17-year-old cat over a year ago, and I’m haunted by the guilt. I’d taken her to the vet a month before because her face looked sunken, they gave her fluids and told me she should get a special litter to pee on so they could test it. They thought it was likely her kidneys.
Did I do that? No. Around that time, I suffered a concussion, got dumped, and dealt with weaning myself off painkillers. I was extremely depressed and my emotions felt flat. My ex offered to keep my cat for me until I got settled in my new apartment. I took the apartment out of desperation, I was only allowed one pet and already have a dog but thought oh, they won’t notice a cat.
I went to pick up my cat from my ex’s around 3 weeks later, she looked skinny and sunken but was so affectionate. I brought her home that night and she slept on the bed with me, “bumping” her face against mine. She also walked around meowing a lot that night, which was something she’d started doing in the last 6 months or so, and the vet had given me sedatives for her, which she hated taking.
I was scared of the yowling because my landlord lived next door. I was scared of taking more time off of work. After an early morning of yowling, I made the snap decision to take her to the vet to be euthanized. I rationalized it then because she looked so ill – she was probably dying, right? I also thought she was either senile or in pain because of the meowing.
I don’t know if it was having issues with the drugs or the depression, but just like that I packed her in the carrier, walked her to the nearby vet and had her put down. I feel like a horrible, coldhearted person. I wish I’d done the litter test – she maybe just needed a food change and some more fluids and she could have been fine for longer. Not given her a day to get used to an apartment and fail her out of selfishness.
I really don’t know how to let this go. I have a really good friend who has been my shoulder to cry on, but it’s so hard to deal with. My learning from this is definitely to explore all options in the future, but I’m so upset with the past. I feel like I murdered my cat.
sandra
Erin, We are imperfect beings and I think, from what I am learning with the grief of having lost my dog,that these beautiful animals enter our lives arrive to assist in perfecting our souls. I have depressive tendencies that would interfere with being in the present and appreciating the gifts offered in that moment… i would say or do things that now fill me with guilt and shame. I struggle with the memories of those selfish moments. But I sit, try to recall the bad moments, and ask for forgiveness. Every time the memory of those moments arise, i just try to find my heart and fill it with the love i have for Punkins and meditate on what forgiveness would feel like. I am grateful for my depression, and my four-legged teacher, for revealing to me the limitless strength and courage of heart i am actually capable of having. I hope you find your way to understanding through this difficult process. Much love.
Erin
Thank you so much. Your kind words really helped me. I’m going to try and do what you do when I start to feel overwhelmed.
Joan
I am so glad I found this website and podcast. My beloved cat, Nina, died on Friday, Jan. 29, 2016. It was quite sudden and happened in our home. She had had problems with dehydration. I gave her pills and sub q fluids at home for some time. Over the past few months, she did not want the sub q fluids. I thought she was fine because her behavior had not changed. I was going to take her to the vet the weekend she died. I am racked with guilt because I should have taken her to the vet sooner for a follow up. I should have listed to my intuition. In hindsight, I can see that she did have subtle changes. They were not consistent, but they were there. I am not sure if she was trying to hide it or if I was in denial.
On the day she passed away, I was overcome with a feeling of death. I thought I felt someone touch my hand. I now believe it was Nina trying to tell me she was ready to depart. When I came home that evening, she was fine. She played and ate dinner. When I made her bed as was our routine, she jumped on the bed. I left the room but on my return only a few short minutes later, she had passed away.
Our younger cat is showing signs of depression. The vet has given me an antidepressant, but I feel like I need some too. I am heartbroken. Nina was my world. I rescued her from the streets of Ohio 3 years ago when she kept visiting my patio. We saved each other really. We slept together, ate together, played together. I even taught her to walk on a leash. Our walks were wonderful. I cannot believe she is gone. The house feels empty without her. She was incredibly affectionate and loving. I find some solace in the fact that I told her how much I loved her every morning. She would sit in lap or I would hold in my arms and we would cuddle. I would shower her with kisses and tell her she was loved. Coming home after a long day was easy with Nina waiting at the door. We had our evening routine filled with play and brushing. I so regret not taking her to the vet. Since Friday, I have cried my eyes out with feelings of loneliness, guilt, and emptiness, but now all I can feel is anger at myself. I know there is a lesson in all of this. I have started to see it slowly unfold. I wonder if Nina felt I needed to learn the hard way. I know I will someday have another rescue cat. For now and forever my heart belongs to Nina.
Chandra
Joan, I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my beloved Autumn. I miss her so much.
Trey
I put my dog down on the 23rd of this month and this has become the most unbearable pain I have ever felt. I had my dog for a little over 12 years and she would have turned 14 this November. She had a check up in July, she came back fine. One day, however, I was heading out of state to visit family for Christmas and she was acting weird before the trip. I wasn’t sure what to make of it, but I got to my destination and she was still acting weird and my mom noticed her stomach had a slight bloat. We set up an appointment at a veterinarian clinic to go on a Thursday or Friday, I believe, so we could see what was going on. We thought she may have just been feeling a little ill and she would start feeling better. She slowly did get better, but we to the veterinarian and they did some blood work. They said she looked like a six-year-old dog, but they noticed her red blood cell count and platelet count was a little low. They ended up doing an x-ray and found a tumor on her spleen. They said it could be cancer (Hemangiosarcoma) and we could give her surgery, but if it metastasized, they’d have to put her down on the table. I didn’t want to risk it, of course. The vet also said we could just treat it and she prescribed medication for it and told us about the herbal medication to help prevent the internal bleeding. A week ago Monday, I took her to her primary vet and they did an ultra sound and said there was much more mass than spleen, plus she gained another five lbs since the December check up and her liver looked a little abnormal. He also mentioned it to being Hemangiosarcoma. He mentioned surgery, said the same thing as the last doctor about the under the knife euthanasia, which I didn’t want to risk, keep doing what I was doing and treat her and keep her pain free, or euthanasia. I kept trying to medicate her and keep her pain free. Unfortunately, on Saturday I realized the pain was unbearable for her, her breathing was very labored, sounded like a lawn mower trying to start, my home was at 75 degrees and she was still shivering, so I turned it up and it didn’t help. I decided to take her to the emergency vet to put her down. When they sedated her, they put her on a table and it gave her weight. She gained another 5 lbs since Monday. The weight wasn’t from food either, since she has never really eaten too much, but she stopped eating dry dog food about a month ago, so I was giving her canned food, which she started turning away. The weight gain was caused by internal bleeding from the tumors rupturing. Most dogs who get this cancer die from internal bleeding rather than the cancer, itself. So, I decided to stay in the room with her during the euthanization, because I felt that I owed it to her. Even though, she was sedated, I didn’t want her to die alone. I had her since I was 16-years-old. I got her about a month after my previous dog of 15 years died.
If you have a dog, especially an older dog, please keep a careful eye on them. This cancer is really aggressive and most people don’t find out their dog has it until it has metastasized and it’s too late to do anything. Because, I didn’t find out until it was too late, I lost my best friend of 12 years and it’s lonely at home. I can contain myself at work, but I am an emotional wreck.
Cyndi
Trey, I’m so sorry for your loss. I really connected with your story because we had to have our dog euthanized on Feb 2 for the same thing.
We adopted Cloud, a lab cross in 2006 along with another lab cross same day. He was around 2 they thought. He was the newest dog we ever had. He never did anything wrong and just wanted to please us and he did. The gentlest soul ever. We adored him.He lived to play frisbee and did so almost everyday .
Last Saturday, just 1 week ago he seemed fine. Frisbeed, walked in park, all normal. He came to our bed Saturday night and my husband could tell he wanted up but needed help. That night I awoke from a dream where we were with him euthanizing him. I woke up just sick to find him right beside me and gave him a big hug and went back to sleep. In morning we find his back leg was so sore he couldn’t put weight on it. He was in pain but hopped out to yard, ate, all pretty good. We were worried but decided to wait til our clinic opened Monday to take him in. Sunday night he was distressed, obviously hurting bad. I massaged him, attempted acupressure ( utube video) and gave aspirin. Shortly before taking him to vet I see blood near his back end. I was too scared to look close and thought I had caused internal bleeding from aspirin. Vet finds some arthritis in hip and leg but just a sprain. He was more worried about the bleeding. The blood was coming from a little wRt but he also noticed bruising plus pale gums. He did blood work. Then tells us its autoimmune hemolytic anemia. His red cells were low but platelets were quite low at 22. We get prednisone and something else and we were going to check blood Thursday. Possible blood transfusion if platelets dropped. By Tuesday morning he was much weaker and his leg almost looked blue on inside and it was really swollen.
We go back to check blood. Platelets had dropped to 12.75 and he starts getting a transfusion lined up. Gives 50 50 chance for survival with hope meds would start working. It was going to be around $2000 for transfusion. We were going to do one but couldn’t afford to keep doing more.
Then after consulting with another vet he does X-ray of abdomen and chest and thinks spleen cancer and more in abdomen. He made us leave him there to do an ultrasound. He hated the vets and was always just petrified. He didn’t want to leave us but walked out like a good boy. I hated leaving him. An hour later it’s confirmed cancer and he advises euthanizing him. He said he likely wouldn’t last the day. So we did it. We were in there with him. When they brought him in he looked half dead. He went down so fast in that hour I couldn’t believe it. It was just a nightmare! After having that dream of being in that exact room too.
We are both just devastated beyond belief.
My guilt set in fast. There had been spots of blood on his blankets, once a spot on the floor. I did no investigation. We have 3 other dogs but I kind of figured it might be from him. He was so active that I thought it was just some little nick. He had been coming to our bed more, should have known something was up. Maybe he was sleeping in his room more often but I thought, he’s 12, slowing down a little. If I had got him checked out maybe I could have bought him more time. After reading your story maybe it was something that would have ended the same anyhow. It’s so shocking, happened so fast. I’m bawling all the time and seeing his soulmate who we adopted same day grieve. She didn’t get to say good bye. We never knew when we took him there that morning he wouldn’t be coming back.I’m so heart broken, never cried or felt so much grief before .
Olga
I had to take my cat to the vet to be euthanized today. She was 20 years old and had grown deaf and senile. We tried to live with this for the past six months but it was getting so that she has become incontinent and I found her asleep in her own feces several times. She had gotten very thin and a friend of mine felt she was dying. I felt it was not healthy for the rest of the family to be breathing the heavy odor of cat feces several times a day. And so I talked to the vet who looked at the cat who weighed all of 3 pounds and agreed with me. But, I although I think I did the right thing, I feel very badly about it. Doing the responsible thing is not always easy.
Paige Alexander
Hi fellow animal lovers,
I’ve been having a tough time lately. Today is January 12,2016 and on January 9, 2016 I had to put down my orange tabby, Stuart. Stuart was the light of my life. Although I have a small family that make me just as proud nothing could compare to the feelings I had for him. He was my best friend. We would routinely cuddle in the morning before and after my shower. Before I left for work I gave him a kiss right on his nose and told him I’d miss him. When I got home from work I would greet him before anyone else in the house and ask him about his day. He would always be happy and start purring, stretching out to show how comfortable as safe he felt.
Stuart has always been a big cat. I think typically orange cats are big guys. He also hates the vets and I could not stand to take him unless absolutely necessary. When there he would howl and cry when they took him in the back….. It crushed my heart to hear it. His last visit wa becasue his tummy was feeling hard or firmer than usual. The vet did a bunch of test 900$ worth.. And came up with nothing. 2 years later, last week, I began noticing his breathing was short and shallow.. Not rapid or laboured. Just not normal. He also stopped eating as much.. Stuart loved treats. He could eat them all day, I used to throw them across the room and watch him scramble to gobble it up.. But now he wasn’t even interested in treats. I took him to the vet once again and this time I insisted on being with him every second. They had no problem with that thank god. The vet looked at his gums. Looked at his ears. And felt his tummy. And kept feeling his tummy. And told me there was a “mass” in his gut and an X-ray would help determine what it was. It turned out to be a Tumor about the size of a baseball.. And exploratory surgery was 2500$ just to go in and see.. Not for any answers or solutions. I surely couldn’t afford that! Then she told me its most likely cancer and chemo and radiation is 6000$+. It broke my heart then and there knowing that I only had one option. I took him home that day and loved him best I could. I called in sick to work and spent every second with him. I had my gf call the vet and make his last appointment that day also. I couldn’t bear the thought of selfishly keeping him around for my pleasure. He was ill and it was showing and that’s no way to live. Not for anyone. I cried all night. I took the next day off work and spent all day with him. We cuddled and nuzzled and I brought his water and food periodically only for him to refuse. The next day at 1pm it was time. The drive to the vet was the worst. Holding him as he frantically watched the vehicle go by. As we got closer I really started to break down. When we were at the vet, for the final time, I held him and spoke to him the whole time. I made sure we had I contact and made sure he could see me and hear me. It was horrible. I felt like dying. I felt like everything was wrong. I still feel that way. My whole day involved Stuart and now he is gone. I think of the “what-ifs” and have massive regret and feel like I could have done more to help him. What if I hadn’t put him down. Maybe he woulda lasted a few more weeks…. But would he be happy and comfortable? The answer is no and I have to remind myself often. I love my boy Stuart so much and I hope I made the right choice. I hope he understands that he was my world and things just aren’t the same without him. I had him cremated and should be getting his ashes soon.
I just miss him so much.
I love you Stuart my boy
Paige Alexander
Forgot to mention his age. Stuart was 9, I had him since he was a kitten. He was my Savoir at the time.
Chandra
I feel the same. I lost my beautiful Aumn girl. I love her so much. I lost her this past Sunday. I feel it’s my fault too. She was only 9.
maureen
Its all terrible with pets ,I had my rabbit put to sleep 10th Jan 2016 after repeated ops for tooth problems ,vet was going to continue dental ,it had gone from every 12 weeks to every 10 weeks ,she had ulcers in her mouth and more problems , he didnt lead me on way or the other ,just wanted me to repeat treatment, I thought my little girl had ,had enough ,but still feel dreadfull ,start crying when im out etc ,getting her ashes back too .Its all part of grieving ,…Take care and think are pets are now out of pain xxx
Joan
I can totally relate Paige. Nina and I had the same routine in the mornings with cuddles and kisses and chatting. Once home, I would spend the evening playing with her and brushing her. We would cuddle. She loved being in my lap and even sat there while I ate. I feel guilty that I didn’t take her to the vet sooner. On some level, I think Nina had been preparing me for her sudden passing. Our cuddles and kisses were very loving and tender and I spent a lot of time telling her how much I loved her and I how much she meant to me. I think she held on for some time because she wanted to feel my love as well. I certainly know how much pain you are in, but I am realizing that she is teaching a great deal about life, my relationships, my priorities. I am so blessed to have had her just as Stuart was blessed to have you. We did the best we could with the information and circumstances at the time. I am holding on to Nina’s love for support. I am also focusing on helping my little one, Cookie, overcome her sadness as well. It’s tough to hear her cry and watch her walk from room to room. In time we will all heal our wounded hearts and open our home to a new rescue that is in desperate need for love and attention. It’s the only way I can honor Nina’s precious memory. Hang in there.
Paige Alexander
Thank you Joan. It’s been a few weeks now for me and it’s still very hard. Sometimes I think I see his shadow on the bed or feel the weight of him laying on my feet. I used to nudge him and he would come up to my pillow and lay like a person and we would cuddle. We were blessed to have them in our lives, Nina to have you and Stuart to have me.. Loosing Stuart was one of my biggest fears, I’ve said that for many years… He was also my first experience with death (nearly 30 and haven’t lost a loved one). I miss him so much. So so much :(
Gina
I know exactly how you are feeling, I to just put my 14 year old sweet kitty, Petey to sleep this morning, I had taken him to the vet initially on the 20th of January, due to vomiting,diareah, and lack of appetite, the vet gave him an anti inflamatory shot, some B12, and antibiotic to give him at home, several days later he was his normal self, eating good and his diareah was not as bad, on February 2nd he started not eating again and having mucus diareah, and losing weight, and just not having any energy, so back to the vet we went, the vet gave him a steroid shot and some low residue food for his stomach and intestines, My Petey did well again for about 10 days, and back came the diareah, and he was not eating anything, and losing weight quickly, so I started force feeding him with a siringe, On Saturday the 13th He was still going down hill so I called the vet and got him some anti biotics and probiotics and gave it to him religously, and continued to feed him with a seringe, he would only eat on his own just a couple of licks sometimes, he drank quite a bit of water, on February 16th I took him back to the vet, and the vet said that my Petey had looked alot worse, and by now he had lost 3 to 4 pounds, My vet said he would run blood tests, so I left my Petey there for two nights, the vet returned and read the bllod tests and said that everything looked ok, so he then gave some medicine to make him sleep so he could examine him further, he popitated Peteys abdomidal cavity and confered with another vet and saw where Peteys intestines were 3 times larger than normal, and that he felt like it was lymphoma in the intestines, the vet told me that he could do exploritory surgery and get biopsies, or send petey home to just see how he does, I asked the vet if Petey had eaten and he said NO, and that they had to force feed him also, so the vet said the best thing would be to put petey to sleep, because he thought it was cancer and that petey was 14 years old, and while he had petey sleeping to put him down then, I said i was hoping to see him again, but had to make the difficult decision to say…. go ahead and do it while hes asleep and dont know whats going on, I immediatly started crying and have cried all day and have not eaten, I am so sad, and just wonder if I made the right decision. Iv’e had to put 3 other cats down in the past 5 years 2 of them with mouth and throat cancer, and one with failing kidneys and diabeties, I loved them all very much, But I have to be honest and say that this kitty My Petey was the hardest, I am trying to forgive myself and asking God if i did the right thing, because I just wonder if i did!!
jojo
Our 9 month old pit x Lily killed our deaf cat last Tuesday. She has been chasing the cats but I did not think that she would ever hurt them. We came home to find the cat dead. We gave our other cat to my sister the next day and he is very happy there.
I’m wracked with feelings of guilt. It was entirely my fault for not keeping them separated and reading the warning signs. We decided to keep Lily because it was not her fault. However, I’m not sure that I will ever really forgive and forget. It sure sounds stupid and conflicting, me knowing it’s not her fault but still not forgiving her.
Not sure what to do. I know that if I gave her away, I would regret it. But will I ever love her again?
Jemma
I am SO sorry for your loss. I wish the right answer could come from me, but I think the only right answer about how to keep Lily has to come from inside yourself. I’m heartbroken for you and your family.
I wonder if you could come up with a sweet ceremony of remembrance to your cat, full of happy wishes to your beautiful kitty in heaven. If you have kids, maybe they could draw pictures or something. I know there’s something call prayers paper, where you could each write a prayer for the cat (if you’re spiritual) and then the papers are put in a bowl outside and burned. The smoke takes the prayers to heaven.
Anything that could bring peace and healing to your hearts might leave less of a hole in your hearts and you could embrace Lily as your innocent, well-intentioned pup. Even a new collar or tag to to honor the loving pup who is part of your family might help? You know she lives by instinct and lacks the human understanding of what she did.
Your kitty is okay now, and your pup needs your true affection; she is an innocent, and you’re the mom who has to find a way to make it right. If, in the end, you find that you can’t do it, then it’s in the best, kindest interest of Lily to find her a good and caring home where she WILL get 110% of the love a pet deserves.
You’re sweet for loving pets. Learning to celebrate that life is brief and love is forever and forgiveness is the most healing gift we can offer ourselves or another.
I love a daughter to an accidental death. I’ve had to walk the path. Hugs and well wishes to you and yours.
Brian
I just had to put down my female tabby yesterday. Her name was Cookie, and she was almost 8 years old. Almost 2 weeks ago she began bleeding from her vagina but we weren’t sure if maybe she was going through a bad case of feline heat. She seemed to be doing fine for a while but then she stopped eating and going to the bathroom was difficult. She spent the last few days just laying wherever she ccould and would sometimes limp as she walked. We thought maybe her leg was falling asleep from the constant laying down. Yesterday she stated leaking pus from her vagina so we knew that there was no more pushing it back. We took her to the vet.
She had a severe uterus infection (she wasn’t spayed), and the vet said the infection had gotten into her blood and was affecting her kidneys. The operation to save her was going to be over $5000, there was no way we could afford that. We opted to put her down, and I can honestly say, it was the hardest decision of my life, and the most painful experience thus far. We held her in her final moments, she purred as the injections occurred and nestled her face into my sisters chest as she passed away.
I’ve read that when cats know their body isn’t doing well they commit suicide by refusing to eat. That means for over a week now she knew she was going to die. That means that yesterday morning when we woke up and found her cuddling with the other two cats, something she never does, she was saying goodbye. And all that time we were sitting around, deciding if we had the money to take her in, she was suffering.
I can’t even describe how much I hate myself right now. I keep wondering, why didn’t I have her spayed? Why didn’t I insist we take her to the vet when we first saw her bleeding? Why did she have the misfortune to be owned by owners who weren’t financially able to help her when she needed it?
She was actually my sisters cat, but when we first got her as a kitten she always slept with me and followed me everywhere. When the vet stated giving her the injection, I couldn’t help but see that kitten that fit in the palm of my hand, and would wake me up every morning by licking my eyebrow until I got up and fed her. She was a very affectionate cat, always licking us, sometimes to the point I would yell at her to stop because her tongue hurt, but now I wish I could go back and let her lick me until she grew tired of it.
I always thought I was strong enough to make the decision to put them to sleep but I was wrong. I know they say to think of the good times but all that seems to do is remind me of what I lost, what I can no longer enjoy doing with this cat who deserved so much better than us.
Goodbye Cookie
I love you, and you were always welcome in my room*
*she used to break my stuff so I always yelled at her to get out of my room.
Kelli
I feel like my husband, friends and the rest of the world are about to have me committed considering how devastated I am at the loss of our precious dog Zoe so I figured I’d come write here. Maybe it could help. We got Zoe 9.5 years ago, the day before we moved into our house. She was the most precious and sweet pittbull boxer mix I’ve ever met. We called her our princess and our angel, her back had beautiful markings that looked just like angle wings. We’ve decided not to have kids so Zoe was our kid, and spoiled accordingly. When my parents passed away she sat by me and licked my tears for months. She had so many beds, blankets and toys and deserved them all. She was lucky to get to go to work with my husband for the past two years, we called her our little warehouse dog. She even got a sister to play with, they did everything together.
We found a lump on Zoe last year and had it removed but not tested based on the vets recommendation. It grew back so we had it tested again and it was positive for Mast Cell Tumors. We did 8 rounds of very expensive chemo and were hopeful, she just finished them last week. If the vet hadn’t of told us and there weren’t any lumps, we would have never known sweet Zoe was sick. When Zoe came home on Monday night she could barely walk in the door. She walked as if her back legs were broken and refused to eat. She loved snacking on crickets and cardboard so we were hoping she just had an upset stomach. Unfortunately, there was no improvement overnight. I laid with her on the ground and told her how much I loved her and how much joy she had brought me but she just stared into space. We took her to the vet and the vet confirmed she had a lot of fluid around her spleen. Our choices were to aspirate the spleen or just let her hang on as long as possible. We knew the kind of cancer she had grows to the spleen a lot, and if it were that, they would recommend surgery and probably have to put her down during surgery. We couldn’t stand the thought of her being on an IV and in a cage for her last possible night so we gave her a shot of steroids and went home to think about it. We laid her in her favorite sunny spot on the porch and held her in bed. We got her up to try to eat again and she collapsed then ran into the table. It was so gut wrenching that we couldn’t take it so we took her to the vet and had her put down. We held her the entire time and let her keep her favorite blanket. I thought I wanted to be in the room but now all I can think about is her taking her final breath and her empty eyes staring at us. The sedative worked and she didn’t make any noises, she was already having labored breathing. Unfortunately, I can’t shake the image of her chest moving one minute then being still the next. When we were walking out of the room all I saw was her lifeless body on that cold table. I wanted to run and scream and ask them to undo it and try to make her better. It’s been 36 hours now and I feel like my guilt is only getting worse. I feel like I let my best friend down, like I played God to the most loyal companion I’ve ever had. I hope I can heal with time.
Joe R
Hello,
My name is Joe and I just had to put my dog Lilly down. I am currently feeling relieved but also guilty like I played God.
Lilly was my best friend we walked and ran together since she was a puppy. She was 11 years old when she passed away and had a great life.
Lilly was a Yellow Lab / Australian Shepard mix and was a great dog. Always wagging her tail and often grabbing my daughters stuffed animals in her mouth. I actually kept one and slept with it last night because it smells like Lilly.
It’s heartbreaking and not easy. Lilly had a tumor behind her eye which was forcing it forward. About two years ago she had two black spots which the vet just said were fatty tumors and no big deal. I don’t know, I feel guilt now for not looking further into it further. Maybe it was a sign.
All I know is before they put her down, I think she knew she looked up at me twice as if it was ok. She layed her head down on my feet and started sleeping on her own. The medicine to make her sleep more worked and then the other stuff worked fast. I felt awful and didn’t want to leave her body. I had her cremated and want her to be buried with me as she was my life companion I’ll never forget.
Ryan
I completely understand how everyone feels expecially you Joe. Just this last Saturday I had to euthanize my 7 year old dog due to complications from Lymphoma Sarcoma/ cancer. She was best! Even without Chemotherapy, and just a homemade diet, tumeric, prednisone and alkaline water. She lived 6 whole months post diagnosis. The vets said at the time she had maybe 6-8 weeks tops. The two days preceding her demise she completely changed. Her anus glad remained stock out, she lost the desire for human contact, she would not eat anymore, her eyes were red and all her lymphoids were the most swollen I have ever seen them. The decision was easy. That’s all. Everything after that was the toughest time in my life. For most of Molly’s life she did her job well. She even tried protecting us when they came in for the second and final shot completely out of it. Her spirit was strong just like her. I really didn’t know what to expect or how to feel afterwards. To be honest, I have never cried so much in my life. Watching her leave and her eyes turn to that of a stuffed animal was more then I could bare. I’m riddled with guilt still. I miss her more now then I ever thought I can imagine. My house is so empty. My heart is too!
Jen
Kelli I just lost my little chihuahua of nine years.. I would love to talk to you and see how you are doing, I am so grief stricken I feel like my whole world has ended.
Amy
Jen I just lost my chihuahua of 11 years I am also devastated and I feel lost without her. I would love to talk to you
Sue forbes
I’m so very sorry. I just had to out my beautiful 8 yo husky Baylah to sleep. We were scheduled for surgery for an arthritic hip- and while we waited they did an extravxray and biopsy- and the surgeon said she has aggressive cancer in
Her hip AND in her pelvis.. The only surgery that might help was removing part of her pelvis and her left hip.. She was an abused pup when I caught her in afield surviving for months- I promised her I’d never allow her to be hurt… But I DID! The night we came home from the failed attempt at surgery — we hoped like you that we could bring her home and think about it… But after the biopsy and exams den wing under for 40 mins…. She was I horrible pain- couldn’t sit or lay, kept throwing up… Her breathing was awful- so I took her to pet ER for pain meds- they works for an hour and she was a mess again. Gave her anmild sedative and I asked my husband to carry her to,the car and to please take her to pet ER for euthanasia. I kissed her and said her name and she slightly opened her eyes– she she wasn’t really even there any more… My girl left because end the pay before she was even taken to the vet. I asked the vet to please come to my car for this as I couldn’t bare the thought of her having to enter another Drs office ( we’d be in and out a lot the last weeks trying to figure out why she was limping so..why couldn’t they see this earlier some could have treated it?! Her lungs were clear, all Otha s clear too.
And I would STILL I do it all if I could. I wish I asked the vet to put her on fluids and stronger pain meds so we could have a calm day with us and say a final goodbye peacefully w our vet athlete me.
I’m so sad I will never see that girl, touch that girl again.
Cloud_D
Please think of me in whatever way you might pray. My cat Freya slipped out of the house 2 1/2 months ago when a workman left the door open for the second time. I feel like we looked for her everyday and every night the garage was left open till late as we could. She never came home. Two weeks ago I was coming home from the aiport and I swore I saw her on the porch. I nearly fell out of the car and walked up to her, she was behind a planter. She hissed at me. I went to open the door and turn off the alarm system and she ran away. She hid under the neighbors car with her back to me. Then when they turned on their light she ran away into the bushes.
That turned out to be my last chance. Two days ago I got the call from the animal shelter they had found her and I needed to come right now. What I saw will haunt me forever. She was a skeleton and she could barely stand up. They had found her on the street walking in circles.
I drove her immediatly to the nearest vet. She was dying of exposure. All that time I thought someone had taken her in and cared for her. It was a delusion. She had been dying out there for two and half months and we had somehow missed her every single day.
I paid the money to try to save her. They let me hold her in my arms before the treatment. She just laid there, soft and limp in my arms. She had gone blind so she could only smell me. And I gave her over.
About 12:25 I was sitting up and a horrible whooshing feeling came over me. I knew she had died. She had died alone in that vets office. All by herself.
And I wished I had been kind enough or clear enough to put her down when I first brought her there. I wish I would have held her in my arms when she died. Or that I took her home after the treatment and put her on the bed, let her rest there on her bed, and waited while she died. I even had doubts the doctors really did the right thing for her severe anemia or her possible liver failure.
I am wrecked with guilt. I keep seeing the chain of events. Me not trying hard enough to find her. Me thinking she had been adopted because she was so pretty and sweet. Me scaring her away when she did try to come home. Me not putting out the humane trap in the right place to catch her after I saw her. Catching the wrong cat.
Me not doing the right thing and putting her to sleep so she’d stop suffering and letting her die with her mom’s arms wrapped around her. I wish the vet just told me to let her go. She deserved better.
Bonnie
I euthanized a cat in July in order to prevent her suffering. When another cat got sick in October, I was not ready to do it again, so I selfishly allowed surgery to try to save him. I know now that I should have been strong enough to let him go. He died 3 days after surgery. I know how you feel. It feels like I let him down. I guess sometimes we’re just too close to the situation to know what is best. I really wish more veterinarians would help with making these decisions. The ones I went to at the oncology unit were not helpful at all. I hope you find peace.
LYM
Cloud_D: Please don’t be so hard on yourself!! There’s only so much we, as humans, can do in these situations. You did what you knew to be right at that given point at time, and that’s all that can be done. We’re not superheroes. She knows you loved her deeply. Please know that she is in good hands now, and is there with you every single day in spirit.
Vicki
I feel for you. I lost my beautiful little cat Elsa three weeks ago in a similar way. She was only 17 months old. I am struggling every day with feelings of guilt and loss. I miss her so much and keep thinking about how many times I must have walked past her when I was out day and night, calling her name and looking for her. By the time I found her – hiding in some bushes in the front yard of a house in the street behind mine – and rushed her to the animal hospital, she was suffering from severe shock. She had spent two days and nights outside, after being attacked by a dog. It had rained on the second night. I know she was in extreme pain with a broken pelvis and suffered so much in the last 3 days of her life. If I hadn’t opened the back door to let her out that Wednesday night (something I would not normally do, as she was strictly an indoor cat at night) she would still be with me. Why did I do it? If I had searched harder and more aggressively, I might have found her sooner and the shock might not have progressed to the fatal stage. In the end, my poor little girl died of cardiac arrest. She was just too little and too weak to overcome the shock. The vets administered CPR for half an hour, but I had to make the final decision to tell them to stop and ‘let her go’ when I was told that she had crashed twice in that time and that continuing CPR was most likely futile. I couldn’t put her through anymore suffering. I had to make this final decision in an emotional state and over the telephone. Was it the right one? I was told over the phone at 6:30 pm that she was actually showing some signs of improvement and should make it through the night, so I allowed myself to have hope, and was excited about seeing her again the next morning. While I know the hospital staff did their best to save her, I feel sick knowing that I couldn’t hold her and comfort her before she died and I never got to hear her beautiful little meow again – only her howls of pain when I picked her up carried her home before taking her to the hospital. Thinking about her crying still breaks my heart. Although I was able to see her once in the ICU on the Saturday afternoon before she died that evening, she was on very high doses of morphine for her pain and I don’t even know if she was aware of my presence. I can only hope and pray that she knew I was there and could feel me stroking her and telling her how sorry I was and how much I loved her. I had my Elsa cremated and she came home two weeks ago and stays on my bedside table next to her photo and a fresh rose from the garden each day. The grief is still intense as is the guilt. I just want her back so badly. I am hoping that in time I will be able to forgive myself. I hope that you will also get to that point some day soon. Take care.
Mary
Like everyone here I am feeling extreme loss and guilt of my cat, Yoyo. He was only 7 years old and healthy. This morning was like any other morning and he was fine rolling around on the floor like he always had before. Not long after letting my cats on the screened in patio, he came in and howled and was panting. Then moments later, I noticed his legs were motionless and he couldn’t walk. I was hysterical and my husband said we needed to take him to the vet immediately. We got there and they put him on oxygen and tried to sedate him to calm him down. They did xrays and found he had congestive heart failure, lots of fluid in his lungs and his legs were paralyzed. I was and still am in shock. The doctor said we could go through all these treatments and have him on oxygen for an undetermined amount of time. I couldn’t care to see my sweet, loving and silly cat suffer. I knew why we had to do, but now I am feeling guilty. Were there things I could have done to prevent this? How did I miss these signs? I have a heavy and sad heart because he was like a child to me. I know we made the right decision, but it never makes it easy.
Ophelia
Last week I had my Lhasa, Ozzy put to sleep. He would have been 15 in a couple of months. I have been taking care of my mother, who has Alzheimer’s for several years. We would take Ozzy and our dearly departed pom, Sunny to the park twice a day for years. I remember thinking back then, that dogs are pack animals and hoped they were happy being part of our “pack”. They were given plenty of love and attention, nice beds, fine nutrition and they were basically, our whole world.
Sunny, who was 15 was put down a few months ago. He had no quality of life, was completely blind, couldn’t control his bladder, and slept all day. It was his time and he went peacefully.
In the past couple of years my mother required more and more of my time and attention. We didn’t go to the park anymore. Living with Alzheimer’s sometimes is like living with madness. It’s a lot more complex than someone forgetting things and people. I am overwhelmed at times.
Ozzy too was getting old, losing his sight and his hearing. Things began to change and we still talked to him, gave him attention and had our usual routine of treats during movie time, but Ozzy would cry incessantly. He had tumors and I determined he was in pain or felt sick. I didn’t want him to wait until he deteriorated and suffered who knows what, so discussed euthanising him with my family over a couple of months. His crying drove my mother crazy and I had to explain to her over and over and over that he was old.
The day he was put down he was alert and I dreaded going to the vet, but it was decided, that was the plan and I felt that it would give me the ability to be a better caretaker to my mother.
One or two days later I felt like a double-crossing murderer. I totally forgot that he had health issues and was crying all the time. The peace and quite I sought turned out to be a huge void in my heart and the biggest torment I ever experienced. I’m surprised that I’m grieving so when it wasn’t exactly a rash decision I made. It’s been eleven days and I can’t stop crying. I’ve been speaking to him, begging for forgiveness, and telling him how much I love him. Since he saw that my mother was getting old, I hoped he somehow understood why I did it. I thought it was the right thing to do. At times I feel like I’ll find peace and then I’ll feel like I’ll never get over this. To make things worse, I don’t think he went peacefully. After the sedative was administered, he started to whimper and got a wild-eyed look, as if to say “something’s wrong”. He did go to sleep, but his breathing was erratic and he was huffing and puffing.
After all this, all I really care about is if his soul is at peace.
Sheila
I too decided to put my best grind to sleep after 14 wonderful fun years. He was a jack Russell who went everywhere with me from horse shows, to camping, to the grocery store. I too was in the room after he was sedated, listening to his cries and now wishing I had tried 1 more medicine, waited till after the holidays and longer. I find myself having so much dread and regret about that day, replaying the whole horrible scene every morning and every night. .his grave is beneath our willow tree and I can’t even open my shades for what I used to run home to do.I keep wishing I could go back to the day before and really think it through, could I clean up after him just a few more times. I just would like to move forward UT I keep seeing his sweet little face and I am thrown into the darkness yet again. .please God forgive and help me.
Casey
I am seeking answers/affirmations/guidance from anyone who has been through as extreme a situation as mine. A lot of pet lovers probably feel like their situation is the most extreme so I do not want to diminish anyones thoughts and feelings towards their own loss. Mine was a result of an unfortunate tragedy.
My long time companion of 8 years, Honey, (Boxer/Rhodesian Ridgeback) was the most fiercely loyal companion I could ever imagine. I doted on her, took her with me everywhere I could, hugged her, kissed her, let her sleep in my bed, told her I loved her all the time. Unfortunately my fur baby had problems with aggression towards other animals. She wasn’t always like that, but a month after my daughter was born she became territorial and she had it out for another family pet. Looking back I think there were at least eight to a dozen times where we had to pull the dogs off of each other during a viscious battle. We tried to keep them separate with gates which worked for a while, but as our animals grew older they grew needier and desired more and more attention in the common area with us. On Tuesday, my baby got out and attacked her long time rival. My blessed mother tried to stop the fight and grabbed my dog by the collar to try to stop her. For the first time in my dogs life she turned on my mother and bit her. My mother lost a lot of blood but she is doing fine now (thank you God!). 911 was called and animal control came to take my baby. I knew when I heard the news that I would have to put her down and I realized she was too much of a risk to be around my mother or my daughter. I went to the shelter and relinquished her to the city. They would not allow me to hug her, touch her, pet her or be with her before or during the euthanasia and cited that it was state law. I am feeling the weight of the world knowing my baby is gone now. I know personally that she would have never hurt me and even though I did the right thing by my mother, I feel like I did the wrong thing by my dog. I wish I could feel her with me, some sign that she is here or listening to me. I wish I could see her in my dreams. I wish I could have held her and comforted her during her transition to death. I wish I had gotten a house instead of an apartment so I could have left her in a back yard instead of my mothers where she continued to get lose when I wasn’t around. I wish I could have done right by her, she had her problems, but she was the most amazingly fierce loving companion I’ve ever known. You will be forever loved and missed Honey Bear.
Ken
Yesterday I put my best friend of 13 years down. She was a black lab named Maggie who was losing control of her bowels and had a very hard time getting up or down. I am racked with guilt because she looked at me when they were giving her the shoot with what a can only describe as betrayal. Every time I close my eyes I see her. This is unlike anything I have ever known. I paid to have her group cremated and her ashes put in a pet garden. I think I need to call and have a individual cremation so I can have a memorial for her to help me move on. My mind says I did the right thing, but my heart us broken. I miss her unlike I have ever missed anyone.
Hiena
My dog was with me for 13+ years also. I am very sad. It was the same situation – lost control of her bowels, not able to stand steadily. I loved her more than many people. She felt like a part of me – she was part of my identity. She was a sweet dog. I agonized about having to make this decision. I told her she was special every day. She was a very good dog.
Toni
I am so thankful to find this web page. I made the decision to put my good best friend, Maggie, down yesterday. She was 15 years old and a lovely shizhu-poodle mix. She was almost blind and deaf but still playful up until recently. For the past couple of weeks I watched her go down hill fast. I watched her legs tremble while she stood and she could barely navigate the steps. She wouldn’t stand up and stick her head out the car window anymore. She stopped meeting me at the door. She wasn’t interested in food or treats although she did eat a little bit. The odor was horrid. I could see her skin breaking down; it was mottled.
I made the decision to put her out of this misery because I didn’t want to see her suffer like our other dog. I held her while the vet put the meds in her veins. I talked to her and told her how much I loved her. I feel incredibly guilty! I had no idea I would feel all this guilt! And what if??!! Reading your comments has helped me tremendously. I can’t stop crying. I wish I had waited and gave her a little longer. But then I think that would be selfish of me. I go back and forth with these contradicting thoughts. It’s good to know I am not alone with these thoughts. Thank you all.
Hiena
It is so hard. We love our pets. For me – I miss my dog. I miss her presence. I will miss being able to hug her. Dogs are so wonderful. So sweet. My dog used to make me laugh. She was a perfect companion – quiet, warm, even tempered, playful (during the good times). She knew I loved her.
Mamie
I lost Max, my 4 year old Shih Tzu yesterday and am consumed with guilt. He had been bothered with one of his dew claws which was paining him and bleeding lots. I took him to the Vet who gave me the choice of waiting on it healing in time (around 10 weeks) but he would still be in pain or having him sedated and them trimming the claw and cauterising it that day. I decided to go with the operation and signed the consent form. I called a couple of hours later and was told he was fine and had come round from the anaesthetic but was still groggy so they advised for me to wait a couple of hours before collecting him. An hour later they called and told me he had died. He had no history of any underlying health issues and up until that point was a fit and healthy dog. They couldn’t say what exactly happened and offered to do further investigation but it wouldn’t bring him back and all I wanted was to take him home and bury him in the garden. I have been in tears ever since. My sister died unexpectedly 3 weeks ago, and he was my reason for getting up in the morning. I couldn’t lie around feeling sorry for myself, I had him to walk and see to. Im a racked with guilt.
sue
I have been reading and suffering the loss of my dog. I have read everyones words here tonight. My boy was 11 and woke up one morning with his mouth open and I thought it was his teeth. he had bad breath and I new he needed dental work. He actually had a broken jaw. His bad tooth had rotted his jaw bone and it gave. So my guilt has been unbearable. I feel i let him down since i hadn’t had his teeth done in two years. He was a shih tzu and due to the small bone it gave away., I sat with him for 2 days (weekend) and the vet said it would take a specialist and a week before they could do surgery that may have or may not have worked to put his jaw back together and let the bone grow back. he fought the pain meds and I decided not to put him through so much more pain and put him down on monday morning. Then the guilt hit and the what if you all are talking about here. After reading all these heart breaking stories i went to bed and tossed and turned but had to come write this. We all made that choice for our pets to keep them from feeling more pain. We made the choice for them. Then our pain comes in and we have to wonder if we made the right choice. well i now realize we made that choice from our hearts and had we decided to have the surgery then we would have spared ourselfs this pain we are in, all the while letting them continue to suffer. So as i realize I hope you will too: would it have been better to let them continue in pain so we wouldn’t be? I think we all made that choice out of our love for our babies and we have to feel better now that we did. They don’t hurt. We do but we loved them enough to let them go and any person who can love a pet that much should never lock out another pet out there who deserves to live with a person who can love them that much. We didn’t throw them away we released them from hurt. People give pets away everyday because they don’t want them and the people here and me, didn’t do that. We loved them so deeply we released them. thank you everyone for sharing your story and Mariann for having this website here for everyone. I am going to see if i can sleep now with my Louie in my heart and remember him on my pillow next to me when he loved me that much too. God bless you all and please try to forgive and release your pain as I am going to try to do myself. Our babies are in our hearts.
Hiena
thank you. it is very reassuring. we released them. my sweet dog was a very good dog.
Linda
Want to thank you SUE for sharing your story ,it was comforting for me to read your words , We had to put our beloved Shih Tzu down a month ago now , It was One of the hardest things I had to decide to do . Her was 8 years old and had Disk Disease resulting in loss of use of hind legs . I have been dealing with all the what ifs? and guilt ever since . thinking we should of kept him on pain killers , reading your story made me realize Yes we did not let him continue in pain (Hard to know how much pain he was actually in days) but I did know he wasn’t himself . My guilt has been unbearable without him here by my side But since reading your words I know he is no longer hurting Thanks for sharing & glad I found this site to read in my time of need